Goodbye Until Tomorrow

Is it the end of something? Or the beginning? Who knows. Who cares. Today Andy and I had a talk. I was just about to leave Starbucks after waiting for an hour for him to show up when he finally came. Took him long enough. I was already a little upset that I had to walk there in the sun, but whatever I've run like 6 miles in the sun so that wasn't really a biggie. The thing is, is that when he came, finally, I was on the verge of tears. Not my heart, but my dignity is what was hurting. To be waiting somewhere without buying anything for like an hour and being stood up, and feeling like I was about to cry, with the baristas probably looking at me with pity was painful in itself. But then he came and I felt better. And we had our talk.

To put it simply, he's busy. I understand completely. I'm not mad at all. I'm not one to hold grudges. I mean, come on, guys have pulled far more painful stunts than this and I still talk to them. In the end, its not a finite end. Its just a postponement. We'll see though. Who knows who I might meet between then and now.

Its uncanny how this song fits my feelings at this moment. And its uncanny that the character's name is my name, too. Its from the musical The Last Five Years. its called Goodbye Until Tomorrow.

Don't kiss me goodbye again
Leave this night clean and quiet
You want the last word
You want me to laugh
But leave it for now

All you can say
All you can feel
Was wrapped up inside that one perfect kiss
Leave it at that:
I'll watch you turn the corner and go...

And goodbye until tomorrow
Goodbye until the next time you call
And I'll be waiting
Goodbye until tomorrow
Goodbye till I recall how to breathe
And I have been waiting
I have been waiting for you

I stand on a precipice
I struggle to keep my balance
I open myself
I open myself one stitch at a time

Finally yes!
Finally now!
Finally something takes me away
Finally free!
Finally he can cut through these strings
And open my wings!

So goodbye until tomorrow!
Goodbye until my feet touch the floor
And I will be waiting
I will be waiting!
Goodbye until tomorrow
Goodbye until the rest of my life
And I have been waiting
I have been waiting for you
Waiting for you
Waiting for you


Why is it that when faced with the prospect of an exclusive relationship, lots of options pop up to tempt you. And then when you're alone again, they disappear. Regardless, I miss him.

But do I miss him or do I miss someone. Just having someone to love. A companion. I think its him I miss. Honestly. If all I wanted was a companion, I'd be happy with Richard, and all the rest of my many friends.

Hot Fuzz

Saw Hot Fuzz last night with Kathleen. <333 Simon Pegg rocks the socks. So does Kathleen. I'm gonna miss her when she goes off to Berkley.

I really like movie and I want to buy it on dvd when it comes out. I wish to analyze it philosophically for deeper things. Its got to have some deep stuff in it. I identified at least one thing, which is a criticism of established religion as corrupt when in reality no one has the answers as well as a Nietzschien theme of how we are always trying to define things:

Priest: Will you read a passage this Sunday at the church?
Nicholas Angel: No. I don't go to church.
Priest: So you're an atheist.
Nicholas Angel: Its not that I'm Godless I just don't really think about it.
Priest: So you're an agnostic. We have an ointment for that.

Ironically there also seems to be a criticism of Agnostics or Atheists (not sure which, but I'm reffering to the Andies here). Nicholas tried and tries to point out that there is a connection between all of the events and that they are not accidents because there is evidence they are connected, while the Andies insist that the events are accidents and have no connection.:

Nicholas Angel: So you think she fell and tripped on HER OWN FUCKIN SHEERS?!?!
Andies: Yup. Accidents happen around here. Not everything is a murder. Whats your fascination with murder anyway. Maybe you did it.

It seems I can't watch a movie without analyzing. WHAT HAS GHCHS DONE TO ME!!!!!!! I want to see it again! I want to be in Simon Pegg film. He should a musical. And I should play a lead role.

In other news, I plan to start a news club at GHCHS. Think Stewart/Colbert/SNL. THe thing its too risky to be overly politically biased. So it will priobably be less political than simply reporting the news in a fun and interesting way. Adair said he'd sponsor it if Borgeson wouldn't and that he'd help wear Borgeson down so that he'll do it. Frankly, I think its better if Adair does it because Adair is single, and if he loses his job because we cross the line, I won't feel as guilty since Borgeson has a family to support. But no one will loset here job as long as I'm in charge. The thing with media is that you need to make sure what you are putting out there is cool with the people in charge. So I will likely end up having to get it approved by Howelman or Bauer before it airs for the school for every episode. meanwhile, i have set up a meeting between me and Howelman for us to discuss the parameters of what is off limits to parody satirize or criticize and how bias we can be without being "talken to" as Mr. Adair so non eloquently puts it. William say's he'ss do the filming aspect of the whole thing. I'm gonna see if I could get Jane to potentially co-host it with me, and everyone else in the club will be involved etiehr with editing, finding sets, doing makeup, or writing. Writing is gonna be a huge part of it. Even though I will be the anchor (along with maybe Jane) I will try to make sure it feels like a team for all involved in the process. Pretty much everyone in the club will be mostly writing. Hopefully those that join will be happy with doing just that. I guess that means I have to make it clear from the get go exactly what they will be doing so that there are no let downs.

I can't seem to decide on anything.

Oh boy. I just spent 4 hours studying aimlessly for AP Enviro. I never do that. I must applaude myself for my efforts to get a 5 on the exam. I am actually studying ahead of time for something. That in itself is quite the miracle. I'm debating whether to start doing my extra credit assignment for Borgie's class or to sing while my parents aren't home and then make an appointment with Michael or Elizabeth. I am also debating whether I should make an appointment with Michael or Elizabeth. I'm really getting some momentum going with Michael, but I haven't seen Elizabeth in like two entire months.

In other news I have a question: who is Jessica and why is she leaving so many comment's on Andy's myspace, and why is she so eager to talk to him more. I normally am not the type to get jealous, or to read other people's comments on other peoples myspaces. However, I think you would raise an eyebrow as well upon seeing that someone else is leaving more comments than you are on the myspace of the person you are dating. Also, normally I wouldn't care with a person I was dating if nothing was set in stone yet. But in this case he did explicitly say "do not cheat on me". So it's no emotional string attached, but with commitment strings attached? Thats the general idea of it. So why then does he get to flirt with some chic, and if I were to seriously start flirting/talking to someone like he appears to be, he would probably never speak to me again.

Urrgh. Maybe its not what it looks like, yes? Besides, as far as I know, as of tomorrow he could decide we are no longer dating, after which I will again have the freedom to talk to whomever I want to. Mind you, I don't exactly want that either. All I want is for things to be equal. But I might be making too much out of little, and Andy may have just been a fling from which I can move on.

Decision 08

So I watched the Democratic candidate debate. It was some good T.V. That, or I'm a total nerd. So here is a quick summary of all the ones who are not Barack and Hilary who I can
remember:

John Edwards: He's adorable, and a good Christian. Seems like a nice guy. None of his opinions really stood out in contrast to everyone else. There was no zing. No punch. Nothing special. Except his hair. And that just goes to show you why he didn't really get to run in '04.

Gravel, Former Senator of Alaska: Entertaining. Absolute libbie like you have no idea. Very green, very enviornmentally focused, but also very extreme. I don't think it would be wise to vote for him, he's to fiery. However, his passion is very refreshing. I loved his answer to the question, "Where have you been the past thirty years?" " Hiding under a rock." haha get it a-rock...like I-raq...

Kucinich: I love this guy , but there is not a chance on earth that he will win. He's short (although he does have a GORGEOUS wife). He wants to have Cheney impeached because we "need to uphold the constitution". Definetly another Gravel. I like what he has to say, but when asked if there was really a threat to the United States or a reason for the U.S. to feel there is a threat, he said no, while everyone else raised their hand. He's very much one of those lets just high tail it our of Iraq types. He's awesome, but I feel that if he ran as the Democratic candidate, he would probably be too liberal to win over any conservative votes. And the last thing I want is another Republican administration. Uggh.

Chris Dodd: Nothing special.

Bill Richardson: Hispanic. He's got some good ideas. I like. And yet...he's not my favorite. But I do like how he plans to deal with cutting emissions and putting up a carbon tax. (that was Richardson right?)

Joe Biden: Of all the ones who are not Hilary or Obama, Biden is my favorite. He has the presidential charisma, and I like his "political solution" (eww that sounds like the final solution) for the situation in Iraq. He wants to make three countries, so they can all be happy, and we can leave. =) yay.



In other, non political news, I'm so friggin tired. Its amazing. I'm entirely out of it. Richard thinks I'm high on something. And maybe I am. I don't know. Talked to Andy. Things are still not where I wish they were, but at least the issues are out there.

I love my friends. Especially Richard, who from now on will be the only person in whom I confide details on my love life to ... and Naomi...and Pali...but thats it.

Oh, and Scotty. But thats just because I know I can trust these people. With my business that is. SOME people you can trust with information but you cant trust with your heart. *cough cough* Pali *cough cough*.

Pali...my feelings about this dear friend of mine are so so convoluded. One day I love him, the next day I hate him with the passion of a thousand suns and want to ignore about him and never see him or speak to him ever. Then I feel bad, because he's not that bad, and I enjoy talking to him on occasion. Then some days I think he's just pathetic. Other days I admire him. Other days I again abhor him. If you averaged out all my feelings, I think you get neutrality. But thats an average because the extremes cancel eachother out. Like I said before...convoluded. and CONFUSING. But thats okay. Thats the advantage of being really incredibly tired. I'm too tired to even care that I don't know. And I'm at peace with that. Which is cool. Progress my friends. Progress.

Things are looking up for me grade wise. I might actually pull off straight A's this year. for ONCE. I almost have an A in everything. 89 in english, 86.6 in history, 90 in APES, 91 in AP Spanish Language. That 86 I am working on ala extra credit and kicking ass on the final. the 89 in english will be up, because again, I WILL kick ass on the final. YAY!!!!!!!!! I wish I could have done this all the past semesters. Then I'd be like Maeve. Stupid math though. errrrrg. That and track. The time I get from not having after school practice really makes a difference. Does this mean that for this semester I will have above a 4.0???? I certainly hope so!!!!!! I need it so badly for my overall gpa. Like you have NO IDEA.

Oh and as for Speech presidential elections, Zita I'm not running against. No. Aaron. Yup. See thats not good either cuz Aaron's a cool guy. He's my friend. And people like him. So He's an actual threat to my chances. lol. Gosh this sucks.

Bowling tommorrow! With trackies and Tina, and possibly Mikey. YAY!!!! FUN!!!!!

Ghost of Corporate Future

I LOVE THIS SONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT MAKES ME HAPPY!

Ghost Of Corporate Future Lyrics
A man walks out of his apartment
,It is raining,
he's got no umbrella
He starts running beneath the awnings,
Trying to save his suit,
Trying to save his suit.
Trying to dry, and to dry,
and to dry but no good

When he gets to the crowded subway platform,
He takes off both of his shoes
He steps right into somebody's fat loogie
And everyone who sees him says, "Ew."
Everyone who sees him says, "Ew."

But he doesn't care,
'Cause last night he got a visit from the
Ghost of Corporate FutureThe ghost said,
"Take off both your shoes
Whatever chances you get
Especially when they're wet.

"He also said,"Imagine you go away
On a business trip one day
And when you come back home,
Your children have grown
And you never made your wife moan,
Your children have grown
And you never made your wife moan."

"And people make you nervous
You'd think the world is ending,
And everybody's features have somehow started blending
And everything is plastic,
And everyone's sarcastic,
And all your food is frozen,I
t needs to be defrosted."

"You'd think the world was ending,
You'd think the world was ending,
You'd think the world was ending right now.
You'd think the world was ending,
You'd think the world was ending,Y
ou'd think the world was ending right now."

"Well maybe you should just drink a lot less coffee,
And never ever watch the ten o'clock news,
Maybe you should kiss someone nice,
Or lick a rock,
Or both."

"Maybe you should cut your own hair
'Cause that can be so funny
It doesn't cost any money
And it always grows back
Hair grows even after you're dead"

"And people are just people,
They shouldn't make you nervous.
The world is everlasting,
It's coming and it's going.
If you don't toss your plastic,
The streets won't be so plastic.
And if you kiss somebody,
Then both of you'll get practice."

"The world is everlasting
Put dirtballs in your pocket,
Put dirtballs in your pocket,
And take off both your shoes.
'Cause people are just people,
People are just people,
People are just people like you.
People are just people,
People are just people,
People are just people like you.

"The world is everlasting
It's coming and it's going
The world is everlasting
It's coming and it's going
It's coming and it's going

Lo mas que lo pienso...

The pieces of the puzzle are there, and the conclusion is all too obvious. I just need to confirm it all.

State Championships for Speech

Well, over all I enjoyed it. I learned a lot about what it takes to win for speech, specifically TI. I got to know Anita, Megan, Phenia and Zita better as well as Mr. Robinson. Although I didn't make it to semi's, I did make it into the Top 20 into the state, so that's good. I hope I can make it at least into next year's finals at state. I've got something up my sleeve. I just hope its not too similar to Cameron's, since that will probably influence me heavily. The thing is, even though he might be an influence, I am definitely making it my own. After all, how different can two TI's possibly be? No matter what its the same standard format or another; three different pieces, regardless of it they are interwoven or done classically. Hmm...perhaps I combine interwoven with Cameron's outside the box thinking? How about the theme of hallucination, and I put it together so that it seems like some kind of drug induced frenzy... hehehe I WISH I HAD MORE TIME LEFT SO I COULD DO BOTH!!!! GRAWR!!!! The names Barbara Walters, Katie Couric, Ellen Degeneres, Paris Hilton and Britney Spears come to mind. Something combining them yes?

I was considering running for president of Speech next year. But then I realized that Zita will run, probably with Anita. And now I'm intimidated so I am considering not doing so. In all honesty, I feel Zita deserves it more than I do. After all, if she dreams of going to Harvard, I shouldn't take it away from her by stealing away a presidency (since that is probably vital for an ivy league ya know?) Especially since I'm not ivy bound (or anywhere bound) myself.

In other news, I've been feeling depressed lately. Insecurities pile up. I don't know why. I cry a lot. I can't quite pin point the cause. It could be one of many things, or maybe a combination of them all. Let's see, there's my Dad's heart, there is the pressure my Dad puts on me to be perfect, he wants me to run and I'm injured so I can't, my mom and the pressure she gives me about all these small insignificant things.

M'étreindre, mes larmes tombent

Today was one of those days where I really needed to see Andrew. I needed to see that he liked me so I could reassure myself that I'm not delusional. After what happened earlier this year, I just can't trust my own judgment. When you are quite sure someone feels a certain way towards you and then they change out of nowhere in such a way that completely negates what you had thought existed. Since I haven't really seen Andrew since last Friday, or spoken to him since Saturday, I felt the need to see him today. I wanted a hug at least so I could make sure he was real. However, when I approached him, while I did get a hug, I was ignored; rather, his attention was fixed on his rubix cube and he didn't seem to have the time or interest or care enough to stop and talk to me a little bit. I understand, perhaps doing the rubix cube was something important, a nd I shouldn't have interrupted him, or perhaps I should not expect to get all the attention just because I'm there. Maybe I'm just an attention whore. Maybe I'm the one with the problem, yes? Maybe I'm just really egotistical and cannot emotionally handle being ignored.

Regardless, I didn't get that comfort I needed, and now I want to cry. He's the salve on my wound. If it weren't for Richard, I would have cried as I walked away, too. I thank God for that boy. I love him so. I feel guilty though, because when I was with Richard I was still sad, saying how much I had wanted to say hi to Andrew, he probably felt like he meant nothing to me. But he does. The thing is what I needed/need right now is a different comfort. The comfort that comes from knowing I have moved on and that because I have feelings for a different person, I know that what I felt before is now meaningless.

El Plan

So here's my plan:

No getting married (in other words no sex) until I can speak French and Italian fluently.

No having kids until I can speak German fluently, and my husband speaks Spanish and AT LEAST one of the other languages metioned in this blog.

No having any more kids until I can speak Portugese fluently, too.

On Mondays speak Spanish.
On Tuesdays speak French.
On Wednesdays speak Italian.
On Thursdays speak German.
On Fridays speak Portugese.

Relax and speak English on the weekends.

I think I can do it. I have like 6 years to learn French and Italian, and to work on the German, too.

My babies will be geniuses! =D

La mia voce

So we went to the Spotlight Awards finals last Saturday. The girl who won for classical voice weighed at least twice as much as I do, but she deserved it she had wonderful voice. To tell you the truth though, I could not really see why I didn't advance to semi's. I was very good. Unfortunately, when it comes to classical voice, it all gets so it sounds the same after a while, so there is probably a lot I could do to improve, but its all such minute minute stuff that no ordinary person could hear for sure. I also heard the people who won the finals for non classical voice, and to tell you the truth, I am not far off there. I mean, in the time between now and next October, I will tottally kick ass, especially at the rate Michael and I are working and improving my college apps song and my voice in general. Mostly, we are working on getting the balance between my head and chest so that I can belt right on those notes in my upper chest voice, and have them sound effortless (but still not in complete head voice ya know?). My homework for the week is to keep singing through OUAT, but to start letting go a little more. He wants me to shift into "head voice-ish" on the last note, and to lean more during the other notes. "Old lady voice" is okay, but to keep adding air to work through that (it WILL go away and sound beautiful given time, but that wobble is the stabilization working itself out). Let go on the belts and just sing it loud and proud, but remember to shorten the vowels.

Sorry, vocal tangent. Anyways, after seeing the finals, my dad and I decided I'd probably do better if I competed in non-classical. w00t!

In other news, STATE IS IN 4 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ASK ME ALREADY!!!

Surprise...people aren't always what you expect them to be. Ratehr interesteing no? I can't help but wonder how knows what he knows when everything I have heard about him indicates otherwise. That and I wonder if my behavior makes me wee bit of a skank. I'm treating him as if he was my boyfriend, but he's not. He has yet to ask or officialize anything, and here I am, waiting. Why is he dragging his feet? ASK ME ALREADY!!!!!!

Actually its no mystery why he hasn't asked: the oppurtunity to do something creative and special has yet to arise.

But then again, what if I am in denial and there is another bold fact staring me in the face that I am refusing to see. He doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. This causes me to ask the following question: whats wrong with me, and why is he stringing me along? But I don't think this is the case. However, due to the fact that I tend to be an optimist and assume the best in people, I must doubt my earlier assertion as to why he has not asked yet.

I just don't want him to pull a "Pali". That hurt. I'm not gonna let that ever happen to me again though. This time I'm ready for anything.

Leonard Nemoy

“Ay dios mío! Quien lo invito?”
“No se. Me dar pesar decirlo, pero el no sabe cuando no hablar.” I whispered secretively to Jake in Spanish so no one else at our table could hear us wonder who had invited the socially inept boy who played an insignificant character in the school play (Jake and I were leads) who had somehow accompanied us to the restaurant. David. We ordered our burgers. I ordered the cheapest thing on the menu, Moa Kai; I only had five dollars. We were both annoyed by him; David tried too hard. He was always talking when no one wanted to hear him or cared about what he had to say. After all, he was a freshman.
“So did I ever tell you about the time a creepy guy accosted me when I was eight?” Non-sequitor. Did David realize this anecdote had absolutely no relevance to anything the group was talking about?
“I’ll tell you about a creepy guy” muttered Jake, just loud enough for only me to hear. I laughed.
“Sure David, tell us about the creepy guy.” I said. And so, David began to drone on and on and on about the “creepy guy”.
“So there was this creepy guy and you wouldn’t believe it, he had about six teeth missing, and about four pairs of pants on. On the outside was a pair of Kevlar army pants, the next layer was made of what seemed to be white canvas, the neck layer was a pair of nice office slacks, and the innermost layer was a delicate pair of cashmere pajama pants. Don’t ask me how I know all the pants he was wearing, you don’t want to know. Do you want to know? No you don’t. Okay I’ll tell you. He came up to me and asked me for a nickel. I didn’t have any nickels, because I never carry nickels. Nickels are useless. I only carry dollar bills. However that day I did happen to have fifty cents in a quarter, that’s two quarters you know, which is worth ten times what he was asking for. So I felt generous and gave him the fifty cents. The man was so astonished that, oh my you wouldn’t believe it, but he started taking off his pants!” David just kept on talking. Jake pantomimed hanging himself when he wasn’t looking. “Then this cop walked by and she was looking at me funny, then I realized it wasn’t really a cop, it was a transvestite dressed as a cop!” I wanted to hit my head on the wall near my chair. David was so annoying. “So anyways, the creepy guy is taking off his pants, until he finally gets down to his khaki’s and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out 45 cents in nickels and gives them to me. So I ask him why he wanted a nickel, and he says to me, he says ‘Boy, I collect nickels.’ And it’s in a raspy southern accent. So I say to him, maybe it would be wiser to collect dollars.”
“So, Jake” I attempted to change the subject while David paused to catch his breath, “what do you think of this weather? Ninety degrees in early March! Talk about global climate change!”
“Oh I know tell me about—” Jake tried to answer, but it was too late.
“So then the mad says to me he’s not really a bum, but an actor posing as a bum. I didn’t believe him, so I asked what his name was and you’ll never guess who he was. Guess! Take a guess! You’ll never guess! It was Dr. Spock! You know? From Star Trek? He’s half Vulcan through his father, and half human through his mother. I’m not crazy though. I know Dr. Spock isn’t actually real, he’s just an actor, but see this was the actor, Leonard Nemoy! You know the funny thing is, no one knows him by that name. That’s what sucks about being an actor on Star Trek or a popular show like that. No one remembers you, just your character. Leonard Nemoy probably goes on talk shows, and people say oh look its Dr. Spock pretending to be a man known as Leonard Nemoy! You go watch a movie, you say hey look they cast Dr. Spock in a movie! I hope Dr. Spock wins an Oscar. You watch the Oscars, you’re like Leonard who? So, I ask him why he wears so many layers of pants, and he says ‘It’s to protect my nickels’. Then I walked home, but on the way...” I let out a sigh of resignation. Jake and I leaned back in our chairs and gave up. There was no way we were going to be able to take control of the conversation. Who, in their right mind, invited this guy? Uggggh. He reminded me of my father.
My father.
My dad has this annoying habit of interrupting me whenever I’m in the middle of something, be it practicing singing, doing homework, talking on the phone to a friend, practicing choreography for a musical, or weight lifting. And when he’d interrupt me, it wasn’t to compliment me, or tell me he loved me, or offer brief but encouraging constructive criticism; he’d ramble. Then when he saw my mind wander, he’d begin to rant, and by the end of it all, he basically would be telling me I was a failure at life and everything I try to do is entirely inadequate. In this sense, David was far less annoying. I would rather hear a long and pointless anecdote than listen to my father whine about how I should be practicing my vocal exercises for two hours daily, and how I could be setting league records in the 800m by now had I just worked out the semester before I did track in ninth grade (three years ago), and how I should be lifting weights on a regular basis, and how I should have a 4.0, and how I should be making time to do some extra studying for school at least an hour or two daily, and how I also needed to be washing the dishes for my mother, and vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, and otherwise disinfecting every room in the house on a daily basis. Recently, his ramblings had been escalating to full scale arguments with me. I don’t see why they had to be arguments. We both have reasonable points. Everything he said was right, but I simply don’t have enough in the day to do every little thing he wants. Regardless, our discussions seemed to end in him leaving the room and calling me selfish and egotistical.
That evening, when I got home from Islands, I had no homework. I took some clothes from the dryer, put them in a laundry basket, and brought them with me to the computer room. I figured I could chat with my friends and fold laundry at the same time, and it would make both my parents and me happy. Alas, nothing I do is ever enough with them.
“Cathy, would you do the dishes for your mother tonight?” My dad hollered from the other side of the house.
“Okay, when I’m done folding laundry I will!” I answered. An instant message box popped up on the screen. My friend was feeling depressed. I had to help her. So I took a break from folding, and wrote her some words of comfort, then got back to folding my laundry.
“Cathy, the dishes are still in the sink! Go do the dishes.” My dad asked again.
“Sure thing Dad. I will.” Her answer popped up on the computer screen. I went to reply to her. At that moment, my dad walked into the room. He walked up and lightly smacked me upside the head.
“You’re not folding laundry, you’re chatting. It you have time to chat, you have time to do the dishes for your mother.”
“But Dad, can’t I just relax for once? I am folding laundry, at a relaxed pace. Why can’t I simply have an evening where I can sit down and take my time?”
“Take your time? You’re kidding me! You don’t relax enough?”
“Daddy, I just came home from a full day at school, then rehearsal, not to mention track practice somewhere in between there. I’m tired. Can’t I just help Mom by folding laundry, sitting down?”
“Ha. You have been relaxing the past three years of high school.”
“Oh my gosh. Don’t start with this again. I’m doing the best I can!”
“Don’t yell at me! You are raising my blood pressure and you know that’s not good for me.”
“Me yell at you? You’re the one yelling at me to wash the dishes! How and I supposed to defend myself if you can’t hear me?
“Shut up! You’re making me angry, and its getting my heart rate up.”
“You’re getting your own heart rate up. This is nothing to be angry about!”
“Yes it is. You never do what I tell you. If you would do it and if you would focus more you’d be doing a lot better.”
“But daddy, I’m trying my best. Remember, I’m busy. I have track, and speech, and the school play.”
“When was the last time you practiced your speech. State is coming soon. You need to be ready, and I bet you haven’t practiced it once in the past week”
“Well, of course not, I need to practice for the play. We open tomorrow.”
“Well, you hardly run anymore because of your injury, so that’s not an excuse for your grades either.”
“Daddy, I have a 3.3. It’s really not that bad. And as for track, I have been working in the weight room. Today I leg pressed 250 lbs. So my legs are pretty worn out”
“Really? You didn’t tell me that. How many sets?”
“Three sets of ten. You know, that’s over twice my body weight.”
“I could leg press three times my body weight when I was your age. You don’t talk to me anymore. If you would talk to me and your mom a little more that would be nice. But we feel like you’re a stranger who rents a room.”
“I’m sorry Daddy. But you know I’m busy. That’s why I’m tired. My life is school, track, drama, voice practice, homework, eat, and sleep. It’s what I have to do.”
“Yes, but we don’t know what’s going on in your life.”
“I don’t either. I’m like a robot-- just going about my duty. There isn’t much to tell you. And when there, is I do tell you.”
“Yeah. I guess. Go wash the dishes. I need to use the compute a bit.”
“’Kay Dad.” I went to go wash the dishes and then I went to bed.
I woke up the next day to the sound of my alarm clock. I groggily made my way to my bathroom. My hair was a mess. I squeezed some cleanser into my palm, turned on the faucet and proceeded to wash my face. My mom stood in the doorway of my bathroom.
“You know, your father hardly slept last night, so he’s taking a day off of work.”
“Really? Why?” I asked, my words slightly distorted as I contorted my face so as not to get soap in my mouth. I closed my eyes and rinsed my face with the steamy water.
“He was crying.” Why would my dad be crying? I asked myself.
“What happened? Does he miss Grandpa? Has it finally hit him?”
“No. It’s about you. He thinks you don’t love him anymore.”
“Of course I love him. He’s my daddy!”
“But you don’t show it. He feels like your one of his only friends. He doesn’t really have any friends outside of us. You’ve always been there; been his little girl, Daddy’s daughter. And now—” she paused.
“Now what? What’s changed? I don’t see it”
“You don’t talk to us. You won’t even obey one simple thing he asks. Wash the dishes. Without thinking you get defensive and aggressive, and you get his heart rate up. And you know that’s not good for him.”
“Well, he shouldn’t get so agitated by it.”
“You know how your father is.” I nodded in agreement. “Cathy, I talked to the cardiologist from Managua the other day. You need to be nicer to your father.”
“Okay. But, why? What did he say?”
“He doesn’t think your father will live more than another five years. And if he does, he’ll be living on borrowed time.”
“Oh.” My eyes welled up. I turned away from my mother, looked in my mirror, as if nothing was wrong, and started putting on moisturizer with SPF 30 ( My family is very health-hazard conscious). She walked back to the kitchen and prepared breakfast for me. I didn’t want to think about it. It felt heavy. Instead I thought about the previous day at Islands, something to make me happy. I didn’t want to show up to my American Lit class that morning with a puffy pink face from crying and have the whole class inquiring as to why. I recalled David’s incredibly long anecdote. I chuckled to myself. I felt a little bit guilty for being so whiny about him having come with us to the restaurant. On the way home, I found out that he indeed had been invited by another member of the cast, Eddie. Eddie was a lead and an upperclassman like Jake and I, so I hadn’t expected for him to have invited David. I had asked Eddie why and he explained to me,
“See, here’s the thing, he can’t help being the way he is. He’s got Asperger Syndrome. That’s where you’re socially inept and talk a lot, and it’s very difficult to fit in with normal people. If as it is he’s inclined to be socially inept and have no friends, how are we helping by rejecting him further? The least we can do is set an example of how to be, and maybe, just maybe he’ll catch on. Meanwhile, excluding him, isn’t gonna help. It’ll only make things worse. Besides, he’s a pretty cool guy. You just need to accept him for who he is.” For that attitude, I truly admired Eddie. I wanted to be more like him. Poor David though, I thought to myself. I imagined what it would be like if he had kids. What it would be like if I were his daughter. I couldn’t hold it back any longer. Tears began to roll down my cheeks. My father is a David. I never really thought of it that way, but it made perfect sense. Perhaps my father didn’t have an actual syndrome like David, but his situation certainly was similar. My dad could easily talk anyone’s ear off, and he didn’t make friends easily.
For the first time I wasn’t looking at my father through the eyes of a daughter, but through the eyes of a peer. I always thought of him as Daddy. Perfect Daddy. Angry Daddy. Overly Critical Daddy. But now, he was Larry. Severely clogged arteries Larry. Lonely man Larry. In-need-of-a-friend Larry. Human Larry. Mortal Larry. Mortal. It was a loaded word. It stunned me. One day, my father might no longer be there to criticize me, or tell me what to do. But he also wouldn’t be there to tell me he was proud when I accomplished something, or to push me when I was lazy. I felt my eyes open. What I had always seen as aggression and criticism was not so, but indeed love. He hid it so well. I chuckled softly to myself for a moment, briefly recalling a familiar line from the animated film, “Shrek”, “Ogres are like onions...they have layers. Onions have layers, ogres have layers.”
I wasn’t sure what to do. I still don’t quite know exactly what to do. But I had an idea. I thought of Leonard Nemoy, and his nickel collection. If it was nickels my father wanted, nickels he would get. My Dad didn’t want me spreading myself thin and trying to do everything I possibly could. There were simply a few things I could do to make him happy. Wash the dishes. Vacuum the house a couple times a week for my mom. I had to stop being lazy. Those things were in my control. As far as I was concerned I didn’t want to be the reason for his heart to fail. 10 minutes of my time is worth every second if it will keep him alive a year longer. A month longer. A week longer. A day. An hour.
I guess I got more from David than I thought.