It's written that we all have this inner voice...one that tells us our life feels empty, one that longs for adventure and love. That voice is the Lord's voice speaking to us through our hearts, that works within us to draw us closer to him. However, as we grow out, we block out that inner voice, and numb our hearts. As we age, our hearts suffer the slings and arrows of life and we become heartless people, going through life in our routines of work and sleep.
Where in the geography of my heart did I find the magic that coerces me to believe in God? How much I love my Daddy--I have to admit that was incredibly magical for me when I was little. I loved my Mommy too, but I was distinctly closer to my Daddy when I was tiny because he took me to the zoo ever Friday, and he'd dance with me in the evenings when Mommy was at night school. Mommy worked longer hours, and on Saturdays, so I didn't see her as much. I was Daddy's daughter. That's where the magic lies in my heart. It's a place in my memory that I can always go to when I'm sad and it'll bring me to tears with melancholy joy. My first word was happy, and I said it while playing with building blocks with my Daddy on a Saturday night. My first sentence was "I love you" and I said it while I was in one of those little backpacks for toddlers when we were riding the Ingo bike my uncle made. I just whispered it softly in his ear. I remember holding his big, calloused index finger while we walked around the neighborhood, stopping to smell every single flower I saw. I didn't need to be told or explained what love is. I just knew, and I knew I loved my Daddy. He was my favorite person in the world. I wanted to marry him. LOL. I remember saying that to my nanny. Of course I didn't know what marriage meant (that had to be explained to me). Magic lay in feeling loved, accepted, valued and approved of by my family. I felt like we were happy, and I dreamed of my own happily ever after. I thought things would never change, that my family would always love each other. Of course back then I had no idea that divorce existed. My uncle Peter would come visit with my cousins, and he'd bring his crazy bikes, and I thought that was soooo amazing. I remember one of my happiest days as a child happened when I was 8 and we all went to the beach for the day. We played in the waves and collected moonstones at Will Rogers. Those events filled my heart with magical happiness. I had what hearts long for: intimacy and adventure.
Then came the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Rejection, gossip, pain. When I entered school I faced conflicting priorities: if I did well in school I could be my parent's pride and joy, but my classmates would treat me like an outcast for being a smartypants and a goody goody, OR if I placed acceptance of my peers above my parents, I could get into trouble and
do badly on purpose so people would like me, but have my parents be very frustrated with me.
I chose the former, and as a result grew up into a bit of a clingy loner, trying as hard as possible to keep the friends I make.
More slings and arrows: my Dad and his brother stopped talking to one another and I stopped seeing my cousins. One of my aunts basically cut herself off from the family, and stopped caring about me. Boys came into the picture, and none of them seemed to like me. I was too unattractive, skinny, super-smart, weird, dorky, nerdy. Finally I found love...but that inevitably ended, as I we were only 14 and it wasn't really love (it sure felt like it though). Then I fell in love again, with a statuesque young man, with a heart of gold. We were good friends, but he broke my heart when i found out that while I was in love with him, he was deeply in love with another girl. I couldn't do a thing about it except cry. It seemed to be the biggest arrow in my heart to date. Never before had I felt love so intense for somebody, yet this love ended, and it never was quite mutual. I woke up everyday, and faced the idea that love was a commodity like sex or anything, I could love anybody because clearly, if this intense love can just be thrown away and disregarded, it can't be worth much. My heart died. Romance and magic were replaced by lust, and ambition. I filled my time and thoughts with the goals of getting into the most prestigious universities and theater programs around he country.
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