Ay nako! I'm about as American as Apple Flan Cassava-- a tricultural fusion of desserts that would probably be a coconut apple custard in a pie crust with caramel on top. It combines the American dessert, Apple Pie, Nicaraguan dessert, Flan, and the Filipino dessert, Cassava. Like this dessert, I am also a bit of a cultural hybrid. Last Christmas, for example, my family and I danced Salsa and ate a dinner of traditional Nicaraguan and Uruguayan dishes, at my Tia Jannet's house; tia is Spanish for aunt. Then we drove to my Tita Vicki's Christmas party, where we sang Karaoke and played games while snacking on noodles. Tita is the Tagalog word for aunt, although it need not refer to anybody related to one by blood; Tita can refer to a close family friend. The following morning, we went to my Aunt Caroline's house where we quietly ate Grandma Wagner's Apple Pie and opened our gifts. Growing up half Nicaraguan, half German-American, and immersed in the Filipino culture of my mother's closest friends, I have developed a thorough awareness of human nature that allows me be an excellent communicator, and an understanding friend.
A common exclamatory expression in Tagalog, "Ay Nako!" is the equivalent "My gosh!". When I first heard the phrase used, confusion struck me; In Spanish, "nako" refers to a hick, so hearing the word in a different context seemed strange. Such oddities of language, do not phase me because I'm used to them. However, for my parents, differences in the meanings of words have always been a source of turmoil. I remember one incident in particular, when my dad, who is German-American, called my mom stupid, and told her to shut up because she was rambling about something. He did not use the words with a derogatory tone, but, upset, my mother shouted at him, deeply offended. He yelled back that she was getting angry over nothing, while my sister and I hid in my room, frightened, so we would not have to hear our parents fighting. Looking back, I see that what caused disagreements like this one was not my mother's sensitivity. Rather, the cultural difference in the meaning of my father's words triggered their argument. The word stupid, in Spanish, is considered extremely derogatory and unkind, but in English it is used very liberally to describe an action that makes no sense. Likewise, the phrase "Shut up" is derogatory in Spanish, but we use it as a inconsequential retort. Because I am aware of these particularities, I frequently act as an interpreter for my parents. Also, I know the importance of word choice when it comes to addressing people of different backgrounds, which makes me a precise, and sensitive communicator.
Along with my knowledge of cultural values through language, my bi-culturality has also given me a sense of class awareness. Because Nicaraguan immigrants compose half my family, I am very familiar with the odd jobs immigrants must take, and the difficulties Hispanic people face. When I told my parents I wanted to take voice lessons, they told me that if I wanted a decent teacher, my mother would have to clean a few houses every week to pay for the lessons. Since the money went towards me, I decided to help my mom with housekeeping whenever possible. By helping clean houses with my mother, I learned that the people we see as insignificant, and often look down upon in society, are very important. If a city's schoolteacher's disappeared for a month the city would be just fine. However, if the maintenance workers disappeared for a month, the city would be paralyzed. Although these jobs lack prestige, they are the stomach or neck of society. Also, on my Hispanic side, there are many young people with what you might call stereotypical dilemmas among Hispanic Americans. Two of my cousins are teen mothers, one cousin is the victim of domestic violence, another has substance abuse problems, and no one on that side of my family has gone to college . My experience caring for and encouraging people normally looked down upon makes me a compassionate person. Rather than judge people who live in these situations, I sympathize with them, and give them words of encouragement to overcome these hurdles.
Growing up a blend of cultures, I have become an understanding person and a cautious communicator. Exposure to these cultures has highlighted the similarities, rather than the differences among ethnic groups; human nature. I am not limited to merely knowing what makes Hispanic people tick, or what appeals to white America. Instead, I know what these groups have in common; the desire to love, to be loved, to laugh, and to be happy.
8.10.07
It's been a while
Today, at school, there was an assembly about kindness...about how one act of kindness could start a chain reaction. A message from beyond Rachel Joy Scott's grave. She was the first to die at Columbine. You'd think being kind would go without saying; the fact that it doesn't, speaks volumes.
I tried doing an extra act of kindness today. There was this lonely guy in the hallway a lunch, sitting alone, so I grabbed a friend and we went and talked to him. His name is Kevin, and he's in 11th grade. I couldn't tell if he was particularly affected by our gesture, he seemed more like the the type of person who enjoys being introspective. Still, I'm glad I gave making conversation a shot. Although, I do believe that if someone is sitting alone at Granada, its usually by choice, and if its not...there is probably a reason no one is his friend. Those types of thoughts are just too negative for me. I'd rather just go out of my way to be a little extra nice...even if it is redundant or silly.
Whenever my A.P. Government teacher stands over my shoulder, I can't think. It's very disconcerting, he probably does it on purpose because whenever he stands over me I get very awkward, my thoughts get jumbled up, I say stupid things, my foot twitches, the hair on the back of my neck stands up and I begin to feel like I'm overheating. It's not a sexual "hotness", its a nervous...wow-this-room-is-getting-kind-of-warm-isn't-it type fever. Why this happens is absolutely unknown to me. Usually, I have no sense of personal space; there must be something weird about him.
I haven't been able to stop thinking about ******* today. I have this feeling about him. My intuition indicates that he will play a defining role in my life. It's possible he's just a very influential friend. But, that defining role could very well be marriage, and when I consider that idea, my position remains ambiguous. I like not knowing, however. He's the best guy I've met, and if my future holds him, I'd be happy. I'm not even sure I could ask for a more virtuous man. Yet, I am aware of the low probability of this coming true, and it does not bother me at all. I feel strangely excited to meet the many potentials in college and beyond. Knowing what's out there will help me be happy with my decisions later, whatever they may be.
I was relieved to hear last night of some sort of girls problems in his life. I thought I would be jealous, but oddly enough, I'm not.
I have a dream last night. I was doing a kind of team assignment; a scavenger hunt, and we had to dress up like fruits for a presentation at a bank or a museum. I left my fruit costume in a locker at a building called Harvard. After a journey of many miles, across beaches and forests, I got to the museum where my team and I were meeting up, and remembered my costume; I forgot it at Harvard. I, then, had to make my way all the way back to Harvard, but I made a wrong turn and found myself in Africa. Strangely, the floor and dirt in Africa closely resembled giant relief type paintings of native tribal artwork. It recalled the dioramas in the Natural History Museum downtown, where I used to go on a regular basis as a child.
I have no clue what it means. I have a hunch the scavenger hunt symbolizes the journey of life, or the college application process, but after that I'm lost. If its the college application process, then the fruit costume might represent the guise other students present, which I have completely decided to shun; instead presenting them with a perfect, flawless candidate, I am showing off ME. With all my lovely faults. Yes, I may be flawed, but at least I'm truthful. In trying to attain the same sort of costume, or level playing field as the others, my brain seems to be indicating that I am going the wrong direction, or if not the wrong one, simply a different one. Africa is a wondrous place in my dream, not a desert-jungle disaster area. Rather than representing making a mistake by forgetting my costume, my ending up in Africa represents my journey taking me away from the rest of my group, to a place far more strange and amazing than I could have imagined.
That's just a hunch.
I tried doing an extra act of kindness today. There was this lonely guy in the hallway a lunch, sitting alone, so I grabbed a friend and we went and talked to him. His name is Kevin, and he's in 11th grade. I couldn't tell if he was particularly affected by our gesture, he seemed more like the the type of person who enjoys being introspective. Still, I'm glad I gave making conversation a shot. Although, I do believe that if someone is sitting alone at Granada, its usually by choice, and if its not...there is probably a reason no one is his friend. Those types of thoughts are just too negative for me. I'd rather just go out of my way to be a little extra nice...even if it is redundant or silly.
Whenever my A.P. Government teacher stands over my shoulder, I can't think. It's very disconcerting, he probably does it on purpose because whenever he stands over me I get very awkward, my thoughts get jumbled up, I say stupid things, my foot twitches, the hair on the back of my neck stands up and I begin to feel like I'm overheating. It's not a sexual "hotness", its a nervous...wow-this-room-is-getting-kind-of-warm-isn't-it type fever. Why this happens is absolutely unknown to me. Usually, I have no sense of personal space; there must be something weird about him.
I haven't been able to stop thinking about ******* today. I have this feeling about him. My intuition indicates that he will play a defining role in my life. It's possible he's just a very influential friend. But, that defining role could very well be marriage, and when I consider that idea, my position remains ambiguous. I like not knowing, however. He's the best guy I've met, and if my future holds him, I'd be happy. I'm not even sure I could ask for a more virtuous man. Yet, I am aware of the low probability of this coming true, and it does not bother me at all. I feel strangely excited to meet the many potentials in college and beyond. Knowing what's out there will help me be happy with my decisions later, whatever they may be.
I was relieved to hear last night of some sort of girls problems in his life. I thought I would be jealous, but oddly enough, I'm not.
I have a dream last night. I was doing a kind of team assignment; a scavenger hunt, and we had to dress up like fruits for a presentation at a bank or a museum. I left my fruit costume in a locker at a building called Harvard. After a journey of many miles, across beaches and forests, I got to the museum where my team and I were meeting up, and remembered my costume; I forgot it at Harvard. I, then, had to make my way all the way back to Harvard, but I made a wrong turn and found myself in Africa. Strangely, the floor and dirt in Africa closely resembled giant relief type paintings of native tribal artwork. It recalled the dioramas in the Natural History Museum downtown, where I used to go on a regular basis as a child.
I have no clue what it means. I have a hunch the scavenger hunt symbolizes the journey of life, or the college application process, but after that I'm lost. If its the college application process, then the fruit costume might represent the guise other students present, which I have completely decided to shun; instead presenting them with a perfect, flawless candidate, I am showing off ME. With all my lovely faults. Yes, I may be flawed, but at least I'm truthful. In trying to attain the same sort of costume, or level playing field as the others, my brain seems to be indicating that I am going the wrong direction, or if not the wrong one, simply a different one. Africa is a wondrous place in my dream, not a desert-jungle disaster area. Rather than representing making a mistake by forgetting my costume, my ending up in Africa represents my journey taking me away from the rest of my group, to a place far more strange and amazing than I could have imagined.
That's just a hunch.
10.8.07
Road Trip with Momma
This is my last weekend before senior year officially begins. Summer vacation is now over.
I iwll start off by telling you about my road trip with my mom through the central coast of California. It was beautiful. I navigated for my mom and she drove, and we witnesses some truly beautiful scenery. Who knew California was so beautiful? There is now no doubt in my mind that California is the best state in the nation. First there was the beautiful beaches, with their rolling waves, golden beaches and glistening waters. Since I am not a swimmer, my method of absorbing the beach was to run along the edge of the water. Although the air itself was also cold, the icy splashes of the water as my feet slammed into the wet sand still refreshed my body, the crisp, clean air cleansing my lungs from the valley's pollution. Then my sister and I decided to play "tag" with the waves running as close as we could to the big waves right before they broke and then running from them as fast as our legs could carry us, and we saw a seal or sea lion ( I can't tell the difference) poke its head out of the water and say hello. It didn't actually speak though. I'm just guessing that if it could speak human aka English, it would have said "Hello!" Since they live far from urban areas this one could have even said Good Day! , it definitely would not have said Whats up. Seals (except for Zoo seals) don't know slang terminology (although cool is old enough they might just know that one).
We also took a drive further North and took Tour one of Hearst Castle. It was very gaudy. Lots of stuff, and very colorful. It's got two amazing pools. I' would love to live there, although it would be lonely. and I think I' would be scared because it looks like that place you would see on one of those travel channel shows about ghosts.
In the hotel we saw the movie Thank You for Smoking, and let me tell you...it made me want to do Aaron Eckheart. i don't normally say that about actors. But let me tell you Aaron Eckheart is an exception. I don't even know why, he's not my usual type at all. I think I will need to search for a pentecostal Christian, Aaron Eckheart look alike who will be looking for a wife when I start looking for a husband, and settle for no less. Just watching him in movies, I start to drool a little bit. No joke.
Then we went to Santa Barbara and Santa Maria, where we attended a Pentecostal Church Revival. I thought some of the old white men there were congressmen, but then Scott just informed me that they were church elders or something like that. I spoke in tongues and received the infilling of the Holy Spirit. That was exciting and insane. I want to do it again next year. I also need to call Scott sometime and talk to him. Maybe next weekend.
I iwll start off by telling you about my road trip with my mom through the central coast of California. It was beautiful. I navigated for my mom and she drove, and we witnesses some truly beautiful scenery. Who knew California was so beautiful? There is now no doubt in my mind that California is the best state in the nation. First there was the beautiful beaches, with their rolling waves, golden beaches and glistening waters. Since I am not a swimmer, my method of absorbing the beach was to run along the edge of the water. Although the air itself was also cold, the icy splashes of the water as my feet slammed into the wet sand still refreshed my body, the crisp, clean air cleansing my lungs from the valley's pollution. Then my sister and I decided to play "tag" with the waves running as close as we could to the big waves right before they broke and then running from them as fast as our legs could carry us, and we saw a seal or sea lion ( I can't tell the difference) poke its head out of the water and say hello. It didn't actually speak though. I'm just guessing that if it could speak human aka English, it would have said "Hello!" Since they live far from urban areas this one could have even said Good Day! , it definitely would not have said Whats up. Seals (except for Zoo seals) don't know slang terminology (although cool is old enough they might just know that one).
We also took a drive further North and took Tour one of Hearst Castle. It was very gaudy. Lots of stuff, and very colorful. It's got two amazing pools. I' would love to live there, although it would be lonely. and I think I' would be scared because it looks like that place you would see on one of those travel channel shows about ghosts.
In the hotel we saw the movie Thank You for Smoking, and let me tell you...it made me want to do Aaron Eckheart. i don't normally say that about actors. But let me tell you Aaron Eckheart is an exception. I don't even know why, he's not my usual type at all. I think I will need to search for a pentecostal Christian, Aaron Eckheart look alike who will be looking for a wife when I start looking for a husband, and settle for no less. Just watching him in movies, I start to drool a little bit. No joke.
Then we went to Santa Barbara and Santa Maria, where we attended a Pentecostal Church Revival. I thought some of the old white men there were congressmen, but then Scott just informed me that they were church elders or something like that. I spoke in tongues and received the infilling of the Holy Spirit. That was exciting and insane. I want to do it again next year. I also need to call Scott sometime and talk to him. Maybe next weekend.
23.7.07
The Underworld and Food Network Star
I'm watching a TV show about underground cities. Very interesting. I love the history channel. Did you know there are entire tunnel systems in Portland specifically built for the purposes of drugging and kidnapping men to sell them to ships where they would be used as labor for cargo ships?z
Amy the mommy won Next Food Network Star. I am now addicted to that TV show. Its the only show I can say I have actually sat and watched 5 hours straight of. I know that makes me sound l ike a couch potato, but its very rarely that I watch TV for so long. Usually I'm multitasking. And I was then too; I was making flashcards for SAT prep.
My summer is boring. Thats why I haven't written much of anything. I miss everyone. I made a bunch of promises to do lunch and hang out or whatever wiht people, but then I haven't followed through with calling those people and actually making plans. I feel awful for doing that, because its not like what I'm doing can't be moved so I can do other stuff. I'm very sorry that I haven't called you! <33
*yawn* I'm tired. Not much to write.
Amy the mommy won Next Food Network Star. I am now addicted to that TV show. Its the only show I can say I have actually sat and watched 5 hours straight of. I know that makes me sound l ike a couch potato, but its very rarely that I watch TV for so long. Usually I'm multitasking. And I was then too; I was making flashcards for SAT prep.
My summer is boring. Thats why I haven't written much of anything. I miss everyone. I made a bunch of promises to do lunch and hang out or whatever wiht people, but then I haven't followed through with calling those people and actually making plans. I feel awful for doing that, because its not like what I'm doing can't be moved so I can do other stuff. I'm very sorry that I haven't called you! <33
*yawn* I'm tired. Not much to write.
9.7.07
Re: Goth
I've had a few days to think about this whole "goth" look thing. Honestly, I think the attention one gets by wearing black lipstick, pale makeup and dark clothes is merely "look at that freak" type of attention rather than "wow that girl is really pretty" attention. I mean yeah when I make eye contact the guys smile in a familiar way that reminds me of when guys hit on me, but there is some different element about it all.
As for identifying with the Goth subculture, I feel many intellectuals agree with their basic principles of not conforming and "rejecting" general societal values, but not everyone dresses like that. So there you go. Goth is just a fun way to dress that gets attention and has nothing to do really with being special or an anarchist. Its pretty much just a way t say f*** you to the people who dictate standard fashions and ways to dress. Ironically, lots of current fashions have come from that general punk-rock/goth subculture. So my question is how will the punkers and "goths" dress now that everyone is dressing kind of like them but with brighter colors?
As for identifying with the Goth subculture, I feel many intellectuals agree with their basic principles of not conforming and "rejecting" general societal values, but not everyone dresses like that. So there you go. Goth is just a fun way to dress that gets attention and has nothing to do really with being special or an anarchist. Its pretty much just a way t say f*** you to the people who dictate standard fashions and ways to dress. Ironically, lots of current fashions have come from that general punk-rock/goth subculture. So my question is how will the punkers and "goths" dress now that everyone is dressing kind of like them but with brighter colors?
7.7.07
Goth?!?!
Goth may just be the look for me...maybe. I tried it yesterday. Hilarious shit right there. I did it for an audition. Sprayed my hair black, wore all black, with a belt, lots of eyeliner, black lipstick. Then I went to kinkos. OMG. This dude was STARING at me the whole time...well not just staring, but checking me out in a very obvious head turning way. I ignored him at first then I made eye contact and he smiled so I smiled back. Then he kept turning around and smiling at me. Very funny. So either goths get lots of attention normally, OR I'm stunningly beautiful in goth attire.
I got called back for the audition. YAY! The second callback I've ever gotten! I hope I get it. It will be so ironic though considering the way I usually am. I am like as far from goth as it gets. Or am I?
Bet you practice Wicca or Paganism or possibly more liberal Christianity. You probably love Dead Can Dance, anything ethereal, and might be vegetarian. You probably also like to hug people.
^^ So true! I'm a Christian, if it were under my power I'd be a vegetarian, ethereal things rock my socks, and I LOVE hugging people. My friend Brendan said that the people who dress like that are just really smart, independent thinkers, which is quite true of me. So I guess I am an in-the-closet-goth. HAAAA lol.
I got called back for the audition. YAY! The second callback I've ever gotten! I hope I get it. It will be so ironic though considering the way I usually am. I am like as far from goth as it gets. Or am I?
Bet you practice Wicca or Paganism or possibly more liberal Christianity. You probably love Dead Can Dance, anything ethereal, and might be vegetarian. You probably also like to hug people.
What kind of goth are you?
Created by ptocheia
^^ So true! I'm a Christian, if it were under my power I'd be a vegetarian, ethereal things rock my socks, and I LOVE hugging people. My friend Brendan said that the people who dress like that are just really smart, independent thinkers, which is quite true of me. So I guess I am an in-the-closet-goth. HAAAA lol.
4.7.07
Middle of Summer
I wouuld have titled this Midsummer, but it would have easily been confused with the play.
ANyways, here's a fun fact: because I occaisionally post things in other languages such as Portugese, Spanish, and Italian, people who speak those languages stumble on my page and leave comments in those languages. Fun stuff.
I've just been relaxing lately, diligently working on my songs and going to the nursing home daily and now working on college applications essays (for the prompts that I can find) and studying for SAT's. I got a 1990 the first time around. Its way too close to 2000 to not do it again and try to break it. I think thats the track runner inside me showing. I just want to PR! I live off of making my personal best better. lol
I'm considering re-taking upclassical voice. I lost my voice for about a week after diligently practicing non classical for a while. I must have been doing something wrong for it to go on me like that...or maybe I was just sick. I'm not sure. However, I have been listening to opera a little bit more again lately, and I remembered how much I really do like it. Opera gives me chills. I have a knack for it, so I should sharpen my skills. What I lack mainly is the musicianship to do it really well. That was my only problem for spotlight awards. I was off on my rythm. That's not to say it was some train wreck. It sounded great, but I guess certain parts weren't sung EXACTLY as they were written. My voice itself and tone, relaxation, vibratto and all that fun stuff were great. I really hope I haven't gone backwards by not preacticing my classical voice in a long time. Why can't I do both classical and nonclassical. BOOO. Oh well.
ANyways, here's a fun fact: because I occaisionally post things in other languages such as Portugese, Spanish, and Italian, people who speak those languages stumble on my page and leave comments in those languages. Fun stuff.
I've just been relaxing lately, diligently working on my songs and going to the nursing home daily and now working on college applications essays (for the prompts that I can find) and studying for SAT's. I got a 1990 the first time around. Its way too close to 2000 to not do it again and try to break it. I think thats the track runner inside me showing. I just want to PR! I live off of making my personal best better. lol
I'm considering re-taking upclassical voice. I lost my voice for about a week after diligently practicing non classical for a while. I must have been doing something wrong for it to go on me like that...or maybe I was just sick. I'm not sure. However, I have been listening to opera a little bit more again lately, and I remembered how much I really do like it. Opera gives me chills. I have a knack for it, so I should sharpen my skills. What I lack mainly is the musicianship to do it really well. That was my only problem for spotlight awards. I was off on my rythm. That's not to say it was some train wreck. It sounded great, but I guess certain parts weren't sung EXACTLY as they were written. My voice itself and tone, relaxation, vibratto and all that fun stuff were great. I really hope I haven't gone backwards by not preacticing my classical voice in a long time. Why can't I do both classical and nonclassical. BOOO. Oh well.
20.6.07
Everything's getting better...
Summer is finally beginning to take a reasonable shape. Although I'm not working on some unrealistic athletic goal, I finally am begining to get some sort of purpose for my days. The volunteer work provides some purpose, but what really get me up in the morning are my AP Government summer assignment and my songs. I have quite a few to learn. In fact its overwhelming. I enjoy the stress, though. I'm happier with stress than I am without it. I found a possible guy to fill the void. Not MY void that is. The void that is Granada's lack of singing males. =) Yay.
17.6.07
Depressing-ness
Why does the world hate me with passion? Why do people gossip? How is it that I somehow make people dislike me without even trying? I hate that the people who do care about me are leaving to college. The only people who really see me as a nice person and not someone they strongly dislike. I miss my trackies. I really do. Track and cross country were nearly drama-less. No one talked crap about anyone. We all just got along. Now, people are just plain mean. At the first sign of gossip people saying I said things, they RUN AWAY from me practically. If I'm being annoying, they should just tell me, and I'll stop. They shouldn't just block me wihtout informing me that they just don't feel like talking to me and why. I would much preffer being told what I did wrong than to be punished for my "actions".
I love track. I miss the old days. I miss the days when it was Richard and Andrea, and Kathleen, Maeve, Myonoway, and David and Jeff and Chris and all them, and Natalie and Krystal, and Marisa and Nina, Molly, Amanda, Sharon, Monica, Victoria and Audrey. I miss those rainy days on the track when we would be doing Coach Green's 1111, 1212, 1313, 1234, 1313, 1212, 1111 workout and we'd be tired out of our minds, and then maybe do an extra 45 second sprint for good measure. Those were the days. We were like a family.
In a sense I regret joining speech and drama at Granada. It opened whole new world of jealousy and gossips and crap that I didn't have to deal with before and I lost my bond with the people I care about; the bond that came from being tired as hell and trying your very best to win against yourself. On the track team, we didn't talk trash about eachother. When someone new would come along and they would start saying shit about someone else, we'd say to eachother "Oh look there's somebody who's obviously new and doesn't quite comprehend what this team is about." There was no room for gossip; only friendship. I want to cry, I miss it so much. I look back and I can only think one thing; those were some really great people, and I'm really glad to have known them.
Although I love performing, the things I hate are the narcissism, envy and cattiness of everyone who does it. If someone is better than yhou or threatening, its like people have this innate need to judge you. What you say is automatically misconstrued; taken the wrong way just because they can't accept that somebody might be a nice person; a human with feelings, who reacts to external forces and events and has a psyche just like they do.
I love track. I miss the old days. I miss the days when it was Richard and Andrea, and Kathleen, Maeve, Myonoway, and David and Jeff and Chris and all them, and Natalie and Krystal, and Marisa and Nina, Molly, Amanda, Sharon, Monica, Victoria and Audrey. I miss those rainy days on the track when we would be doing Coach Green's 1111, 1212, 1313, 1234, 1313, 1212, 1111 workout and we'd be tired out of our minds, and then maybe do an extra 45 second sprint for good measure. Those were the days. We were like a family.
In a sense I regret joining speech and drama at Granada. It opened whole new world of jealousy and gossips and crap that I didn't have to deal with before and I lost my bond with the people I care about; the bond that came from being tired as hell and trying your very best to win against yourself. On the track team, we didn't talk trash about eachother. When someone new would come along and they would start saying shit about someone else, we'd say to eachother "Oh look there's somebody who's obviously new and doesn't quite comprehend what this team is about." There was no room for gossip; only friendship. I want to cry, I miss it so much. I look back and I can only think one thing; those were some really great people, and I'm really glad to have known them.
Although I love performing, the things I hate are the narcissism, envy and cattiness of everyone who does it. If someone is better than yhou or threatening, its like people have this innate need to judge you. What you say is automatically misconstrued; taken the wrong way just because they can't accept that somebody might be a nice person; a human with feelings, who reacts to external forces and events and has a psyche just like they do.
15.6.07
Apathy...
You know that whole thing I was pumped about doing before...I've gotten lazy. I really don't feel like it anymore. I've been a little bit depressed recently. Practically full on nervous breakdown last night. Cried myself to sleep. No one in particular to blame. It was all just a compilation of emotion. All my unresolved pain from injuries past rising to the surface. It all just leads to my feeling rather hopeless. An old lady at the nursing home I now volunteer at said i wasn't much of a singer. That totally hurt my feelings/ego. After that I just had no motivation to do anything at all. I didn't want to run, didn't want to swim, didn't want to ride my bike anywhere, didn't want to sing, or dance...nothing. I just wanted to cry. Another old woman mentioned how boring life gets after a while. That just added to the feelings of absolute disparity I was experiencing. After that another old woman, by the name of Doris Meyers told me about her old boyfriend, for whom she had moved to California from Missouri. As she mentioned just that, her eyes watered and she almost cried. Oh to be in love. To experience love like that in life is amazingly beautiful. As well as completely depressing. SO thats why I cried myself to sleep last night and did not work out at all.
I can't wait till next year begins so i can just kinda start things over-ish. I'm sure that things will still be semi-crappy, but I just want to get this next year over with and start anew in a place that is not high school, without the drama, without the people who listen to gossip and the people who decide they probably hate you without having a conversation with you to get to know you better; I want to be in a new place with new, more mature people, where I can be more mature and have people know me for being that way.
I can't wait till next year begins so i can just kinda start things over-ish. I'm sure that things will still be semi-crappy, but I just want to get this next year over with and start anew in a place that is not high school, without the drama, without the people who listen to gossip and the people who decide they probably hate you without having a conversation with you to get to know you better; I want to be in a new place with new, more mature people, where I can be more mature and have people know me for being that way.
SERIOSULY F*** YOU!
DON'T TELL ANYBODY ANYTHING. EVER. Not because then you'll miss everybody, but because everybody is an asshole. ESPECIALLY if people can hear you and not know SPECIFICALLY what you are saying.
I don't know why or how, but it seems people get together without my knowing and discuss all the conversations I have with them, compile a version of things I say so completely twisted wretched and thats the version they decide to tell whoever I am currently talking to. It's like a medley of absolute personality horror because they choose the worst sounding parts of it all. Gossip is like sausage!
GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I could just punch somebody right now. FUCKING FREEDOM OF SPEECH!!!! What happened to that??!?!?!?!! NOOOO. I can't have that freedom. People have to take my words and twist them. Take them completely out of context and remove the reasoning I had behind them and then spread it around like fucking butter. Yum. Creamy goodness. LIES. ALL OF THEM.
It happened with Andrew and it just happened AGAIN with someone else. Its like a certain SOMEBODY can't bare to see other people fucking happy.
Happy birthday world!! Since y'all seem to team up AGAINST ME, I have decided to keep my mouth COMPLETELY SHUT. TADAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!
Prepare for my wrath of fucking silence. It's my turn to listen to YOU and then stab YOU in the ASS. I don't know who that "you" is even, but I have an idea. I can just say that I trust virtually nobody right now. Okay, I do know who I trust. Two people. And NO ONE ELSE can know. Why? Because NO ONE ELSE UNDERSTANDS. Everyone is ready to pounce. Everyone wants to find things wrong with me and put them on display for the world. Everyone is eager to judge me.
You want to know the truth? The truth is I KNOW I can be narcissistic. I KNOW that sometimes I'm a little bit obsessive compulsive. I KNOW that I'm a little bit impulsive and say stupid things. Sometimes I say them to make people laugh. Maybe I'm not funny? Maybe I just piss people off and thats why they hate me enough to do what "they" do. I know I am not perfect. Why do people have to go and point that out to other people over and over again? YOU PEOPLE ARE NOT PERFECT EITHER!!!!!!!! NO ONE IS! Maybe no one tells those people that they are not perfect. You know why they don't? Its because SOME PEOPLE have the decency not to point out other people's mistakes and flaws and rub them all over the places and parade them about.
And lucky for the world, I don't have it in me to stab people in the back or make sausage out of the worst bits they say to ruin their relationships with other people.
I don't know why or how, but it seems people get together without my knowing and discuss all the conversations I have with them, compile a version of things I say so completely twisted wretched and thats the version they decide to tell whoever I am currently talking to. It's like a medley of absolute personality horror because they choose the worst sounding parts of it all. Gossip is like sausage!
GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I could just punch somebody right now. FUCKING FREEDOM OF SPEECH!!!! What happened to that??!?!?!?!! NOOOO. I can't have that freedom. People have to take my words and twist them. Take them completely out of context and remove the reasoning I had behind them and then spread it around like fucking butter. Yum. Creamy goodness. LIES. ALL OF THEM.
It happened with Andrew and it just happened AGAIN with someone else. Its like a certain SOMEBODY can't bare to see other people fucking happy.
Happy birthday world!! Since y'all seem to team up AGAINST ME, I have decided to keep my mouth COMPLETELY SHUT. TADAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!
Prepare for my wrath of fucking silence. It's my turn to listen to YOU and then stab YOU in the ASS. I don't know who that "you" is even, but I have an idea. I can just say that I trust virtually nobody right now. Okay, I do know who I trust. Two people. And NO ONE ELSE can know. Why? Because NO ONE ELSE UNDERSTANDS. Everyone is ready to pounce. Everyone wants to find things wrong with me and put them on display for the world. Everyone is eager to judge me.
You want to know the truth? The truth is I KNOW I can be narcissistic. I KNOW that sometimes I'm a little bit obsessive compulsive. I KNOW that I'm a little bit impulsive and say stupid things. Sometimes I say them to make people laugh. Maybe I'm not funny? Maybe I just piss people off and thats why they hate me enough to do what "they" do. I know I am not perfect. Why do people have to go and point that out to other people over and over again? YOU PEOPLE ARE NOT PERFECT EITHER!!!!!!!! NO ONE IS! Maybe no one tells those people that they are not perfect. You know why they don't? Its because SOME PEOPLE have the decency not to point out other people's mistakes and flaws and rub them all over the places and parade them about.
And lucky for the world, I don't have it in me to stab people in the back or make sausage out of the worst bits they say to ruin their relationships with other people.
11.6.07
Lovelife
Yesterday I was asked "So you're single? How's your lovelife?", and I had no real answer. The only words that came to mind were "ummm...dead-ish?, comatose?, in a catatonic trance-like state? My lovelife is kind of like Terri Shiavo? Sleeping Beauty? Not quite dead yet..." Which is kind of sad. Honestly speaking, however, I think love is about timing. Why? Because you have to meet the right person at the right time. There are lots of wonderful amazing people out there. It's just that you don't always meet them at a time when its convenient. For example, any amazing guy I meet now is pointless because he'll just be going away to college within the next year or so, or I'll be going off to college. Timing. Just another reason why I'm single. I'm the type of girl guys go for for long term relationships, not flings. And it's summer; the time for flings. In college I'll probably do better.
One can't just look at the term "lovelife" in such a narrow sense. On a broader spectrum, my lovelife is amazing. Why? Because I love my life. I love my family, I love my friends, and most of all, I love God. I'm in love with life, and I love that!
I weighed myself today, 119 lbs, 14% body fat. I'm kinda happy because that means I've put on a lot of muscle. I went for a super long run today; 45 minutes! Well, actually 30 minutes with a one minute break to stretch, then 15 more minutes. Unfortunately that was only like 4.1 miles. So I need to pick up my pace. I think next run I'll do some intervals. I did feel stronger though, so the swim/bike/run combo is working. Yay!
One can't just look at the term "lovelife" in such a narrow sense. On a broader spectrum, my lovelife is amazing. Why? Because I love my life. I love my family, I love my friends, and most of all, I love God. I'm in love with life, and I love that!
I weighed myself today, 119 lbs, 14% body fat. I'm kinda happy because that means I've put on a lot of muscle. I went for a super long run today; 45 minutes! Well, actually 30 minutes with a one minute break to stretch, then 15 more minutes. Unfortunately that was only like 4.1 miles. So I need to pick up my pace. I think next run I'll do some intervals. I did feel stronger though, so the swim/bike/run combo is working. Yay!
8.6.07
Swim workout #2
So today I did my second swim workout. I still felt like crap afterwards, but less so today than Tuesday. I didn't feel exactly like puking afterwards, but I did feel like I had just barfed up my intestines and then put them back in all quivery and jello-like.
Tommorow biking again. I will go straight up Wilbur and Rinaldi and back home. I feel the burn already.
I miss talking to the boy who I was talking to a week or so ago. Perhaps I will call him. Hopefully he is still interested in me.
Tommorow biking again. I will go straight up Wilbur and Rinaldi and back home. I feel the burn already.
I miss talking to the boy who I was talking to a week or so ago. Perhaps I will call him. Hopefully he is still interested in me.
7.6.07
Super Sister!!!
Lol, that sounds like a flying nun. I am the protector of my younger friends, warning them of the dangers of ho's and sexually transmitted diseases, and cock-blocking when need be. I feel special.
In other news, I weigh 118 lbs, and have 14% body fat. I ate a quesadilla, a peanut butter sandwich, rice, chicken, chocolate cake, salad, more rice, beef, banana and an apple today. I rode my rickety old red bike for 30 minutes. That was fun. When I went uphil, it burnt, but downhill was like a break. I think next time I'll just ride for half an hour or so straight uphill, then ride back down hill another half hour or so on the way home. Seems like it would be a harder work out. I got a little sweaty, but not too much.
Tommorow I've got swim practice. I need to find somewhere to swim that is not my back yard pool. Its like 13 meters long, so one lap of 25 is one there and back. That's doable, but once I get to doing longer laps, it will be a pain in the behind. So that is on my to do list.
Tommorow I want to take pics of me in a swimsuit. I hope I get the chance to. I need to set bait for those fish to bite...errrm I mean guys...hehehe ;)
In other news, I weigh 118 lbs, and have 14% body fat. I ate a quesadilla, a peanut butter sandwich, rice, chicken, chocolate cake, salad, more rice, beef, banana and an apple today. I rode my rickety old red bike for 30 minutes. That was fun. When I went uphil, it burnt, but downhill was like a break. I think next time I'll just ride for half an hour or so straight uphill, then ride back down hill another half hour or so on the way home. Seems like it would be a harder work out. I got a little sweaty, but not too much.
Tommorow I've got swim practice. I need to find somewhere to swim that is not my back yard pool. Its like 13 meters long, so one lap of 25 is one there and back. That's doable, but once I get to doing longer laps, it will be a pain in the behind. So that is on my to do list.
Tommorow I want to take pics of me in a swimsuit. I hope I get the chance to. I need to set bait for those fish to bite...errrm I mean guys...hehehe ;)
6.6.07
A Grain of Sand
I'm finally learning, I think, to take things with the importance of a grain of sand. The fun excitement of meeting someone new has faded away now that he is no longer making hte initiative to talk to me. I would like to think he's waiting for me. However when I tried to make conversation the other day, I promptly took the hint that this was not the case when he was rather unnattentive when speaking to me. Now, rather than go into fully nervous breakdown mode, I am simply moving on with my life, setting goals and taking up new hobbies.
New hobby? Yes. I have decided I want to do a triathlon. The LA Triathlon to be specific. September 9th 2007. Swim 0.4 miles, Bike 20 miles, Run 3.1 mile. It begins at Venice Beach and ends at the Staples Center. Its a little bit intimidating, but I like setting high goals for myself. I have a 12 week training plan that should help me get int oshape so that I can at least complete it. That is all I want; to complete the race. I think the most difficult part will be the transition from being a runner to swimming.
I did a swim work out yesterday. 8 x 25meter repeats, with 10 seconds rest in between, and 100 meter woarm up + cool down. My work out guide says its to build a base. It was a pretty tough work out for me. I started out splashing all about, but by the end of the work out, I was splashing a lot less. It really tired me out. Afterwards I felt a strange combination of hunger and nausea I have never quite felt before. When I run I get the nausea, but never the hunger. SO it was a new and ironic feeling for me.
I woke up with soreness in the back of my left knee, ate two bowls of oatmeal while watching the Daily Show, then watched the sex episode of Tyra, and then went out for a day of fun with Jesse. We saw Knocked Up, which was VERY funny I highly reccomend it, then I ate a hot dog pretzel and an almond pretzel, followed by a chiliburger and fries from Tommie's. I was very full.
Why am I eating so much? Since I have decided to take up triathloning, I worry I will with away into a nonexistant twig. Therefore, I have decided to try to gain whatever weight I can when I can because I will burn it off anyway. Hopefully I can maintain a healthy weight somewhere in the realm of 124 lbs. I need to gain some, though, because at the moment I only weigh 115. So there ya go!
Night! Oooo I need to catch up on my cycling training tommorow!
New hobby? Yes. I have decided I want to do a triathlon. The LA Triathlon to be specific. September 9th 2007. Swim 0.4 miles, Bike 20 miles, Run 3.1 mile. It begins at Venice Beach and ends at the Staples Center. Its a little bit intimidating, but I like setting high goals for myself. I have a 12 week training plan that should help me get int oshape so that I can at least complete it. That is all I want; to complete the race. I think the most difficult part will be the transition from being a runner to swimming.
I did a swim work out yesterday. 8 x 25meter repeats, with 10 seconds rest in between, and 100 meter woarm up + cool down. My work out guide says its to build a base. It was a pretty tough work out for me. I started out splashing all about, but by the end of the work out, I was splashing a lot less. It really tired me out. Afterwards I felt a strange combination of hunger and nausea I have never quite felt before. When I run I get the nausea, but never the hunger. SO it was a new and ironic feeling for me.
I woke up with soreness in the back of my left knee, ate two bowls of oatmeal while watching the Daily Show, then watched the sex episode of Tyra, and then went out for a day of fun with Jesse. We saw Knocked Up, which was VERY funny I highly reccomend it, then I ate a hot dog pretzel and an almond pretzel, followed by a chiliburger and fries from Tommie's. I was very full.
Why am I eating so much? Since I have decided to take up triathloning, I worry I will with away into a nonexistant twig. Therefore, I have decided to try to gain whatever weight I can when I can because I will burn it off anyway. Hopefully I can maintain a healthy weight somewhere in the realm of 124 lbs. I need to gain some, though, because at the moment I only weigh 115. So there ya go!
Night! Oooo I need to catch up on my cycling training tommorow!
30.5.07
I saw it coming a million miles away.
Jill found Bob attractive. Susy said to go for Bob's buddy, Bill. Jill found Bill attractive, too, but Bob showed more interest. Then after careful observation she found that Susy probably still had feelings for Bob. They had EVERYTHING in common, and were like, made for eachother. And it now appears Bob and Susy are speaking again. Jill definetly saw that one coming.
Honestly, I need to stop this bouncing from crush to crush thing. Its stupid and it makes it so nothing means anything anymore. All it all is, is word vomit. "You're beautiful" is word vomit language for "I'd like to get in your pants so I'm saying this so you keep talking to me long enough that that is a possibility." F'ing word-spew. Ewww. Its about as gross as real vomit too when you think about it. I understand the fundamental need of humans to communicate with one another, but romance is ridiculous.
I feel like it all goes back to something Mr. Goethals once asked the class, "Is social bonding just an illusion we create?" My answer is yes. Why? Because words are words. They can represent true feelings, but feelings are fickle and can change in a heartbeat. Therefore the words exchanged with others during times of social bonding are quite meaningless.
Maybe I'm just really sad because of the graduating seniors this year. They are all leaving me to go hundreds of miles away, and I will rarely ever see them again, yet we shared so many wonderful memories. Things like Yule Ball and the date auction, the hours spent after xc practice talking to Maeve in the locker room, all the xc practices themselves and the meets...
I guess I feel a little bit of resentment towards them all. I wanted to go the SOCES speech showcase today instead of Track Banquet, but then Maeve reminded me that even though I never raced this season, I was a part of the team and the banquet was where I belonged, and that I shouldn't leave my long time friends to hang out with people I hardly know. She had a point. I just guess that a part of me wants to move on quickly and painlessly. But thats a little harsh.
Oh gosh it makes me cry. I'm gonna miss them!
Honestly, I need to stop this bouncing from crush to crush thing. Its stupid and it makes it so nothing means anything anymore. All it all is, is word vomit. "You're beautiful" is word vomit language for "I'd like to get in your pants so I'm saying this so you keep talking to me long enough that that is a possibility." F'ing word-spew. Ewww. Its about as gross as real vomit too when you think about it. I understand the fundamental need of humans to communicate with one another, but romance is ridiculous.
I feel like it all goes back to something Mr. Goethals once asked the class, "Is social bonding just an illusion we create?" My answer is yes. Why? Because words are words. They can represent true feelings, but feelings are fickle and can change in a heartbeat. Therefore the words exchanged with others during times of social bonding are quite meaningless.
Maybe I'm just really sad because of the graduating seniors this year. They are all leaving me to go hundreds of miles away, and I will rarely ever see them again, yet we shared so many wonderful memories. Things like Yule Ball and the date auction, the hours spent after xc practice talking to Maeve in the locker room, all the xc practices themselves and the meets...
I guess I feel a little bit of resentment towards them all. I wanted to go the SOCES speech showcase today instead of Track Banquet, but then Maeve reminded me that even though I never raced this season, I was a part of the team and the banquet was where I belonged, and that I shouldn't leave my long time friends to hang out with people I hardly know. She had a point. I just guess that a part of me wants to move on quickly and painlessly. But thats a little harsh.
Oh gosh it makes me cry. I'm gonna miss them!
21.5.07
June Gloom
I love the weather lately. Its so comfortable. A little bit on the cold side, but comfy nevertheless. I like that I don't have to squint in the sun or worry about smelling bad from sweatiness. It's nice.
In other news, I walked past Andrew today. He looked at me for a split second, so I stared at him as he walked by. Just to make him uncomfortable I guess. This is so stupid. He needs to man up and talk to me. The grudge he's holding isn't good for either of us, and I say that as a person, not as a girl.
In other news, I'm moving on. And thats a good thing. My second and third attempts at being flirty have been slightly more successful. I just want to have fun at this point.
Funny thing, a certain someone who I will name *** told me some stuff about ****. Things I truly did not expect. I know a side of **** that is virtuous, honest, kind, respectful, and does not date girls just because they will sleep with him. However, *** insists otherwise. I don't know, but considering his past actions in respect to me it would not come as a surprise for it to be true.
In other news, I walked past Andrew today. He looked at me for a split second, so I stared at him as he walked by. Just to make him uncomfortable I guess. This is so stupid. He needs to man up and talk to me. The grudge he's holding isn't good for either of us, and I say that as a person, not as a girl.
In other news, I'm moving on. And thats a good thing. My second and third attempts at being flirty have been slightly more successful. I just want to have fun at this point.
Funny thing, a certain someone who I will name *** told me some stuff about ****. Things I truly did not expect. I know a side of **** that is virtuous, honest, kind, respectful, and does not date girls just because they will sleep with him. However, *** insists otherwise. I don't know, but considering his past actions in respect to me it would not come as a surprise for it to be true.
18.5.07
Refuge in my Love
My crisis the past weeks could very well be easily written off as my being a drama queen, overreacting, overly sensitive, etc etc. One of my friends even theorized that I might be bipolar. And I very well could be, I have many symptoms; I'm super fidgety, emotional, don't let things go very easily, and have chronic bouts of depression. However, I'd rather not blame my emotions on some kind of chemical imbalance. I actually have a pretty good explanation of why I have been this way. I put too much of myself into everything I do. Why? Because I sort of believe that if your going to do something you should never half ass it. So I may have over invested myself. Plus, I've been in menstrual mode for an extra two weeks since I started late this month. Not that you needed to know that. But my irregular cycle could be a cause of my sensitivity. That and my seemingly chronic depression could have coincided with the events, resulting in catastrophe. Regardless I return to my over-investment. I'm just too sweet to be able to be with someone and just end like BAM. Even if it isn't official and it is just for like a month. Sorry, I'm still hecka innocent like that.
The good news is that I'm feeling a lot better now. My loves are what have helped me move along with my life and be cheery again. They are presented in chronological order, not in order of importance.
Yesterday, oddly enough was a super low day. I cried and cried, and I felt upset and angry. Feelings I don't even know how I could explain, because rationally speaking, they don't fit their cause. Anywhoo, I was very sad and then realized I was running late and had to get ready for the speech benefit. I got dressed, put on makeup, and went over. I was still sad because speech people asked me what happened and I found myself having to talk about it again. Don't worry, I didn't include detail or trash talk. I did the most basic abstract of everything. "We had a disagreement, and are no longer on speaking terms. The end." And then, the magic occurred.
The benefit began and suddenly my mid shifted. I thought of nothing else but my speech, running it over and over again in my head, making sure I knew everything and would not screw up. Then I went up and performed and its as if everything disappeared. It was as if that moment was all that existed. So ethereal. So real. Yet not. It was simply amazing. At that moment I had a major realization; I need to perform, and I need to do it throughout the rest of my life. Sometimes I hate being me. Being able to set down my own emotions and instead feel someone else's for a few minutes is something I need in order to stay alive and well. Its like when you play tag, and your running and running and you get tired, so you run to the safe tree. Performing is my safe tree.
Alas, hiding behind a character only solves problems temporarily. The best solution to personal problems is to face them head on, find the source, and solve them there. My tool for doing this? Jesus. Well, religion I mean. I really shouldn't flaunt what I am, although I just did. Oh well. I went to church tonight where I listened to a sermon on abstinence, then came home and read my notes from the Rick Holland series on dating and relationships.
What I found in these was that the reason things went wrong is that I did not approach things from a Christian angle. I know those of you reading this will probably think to yourselves something to the effect of "This has nothing to do with religion." The thing is that things began on a weak foundation of simple physical attraction and lust. We did not really know each other very well, nor did we have a solid friendship on which to base a relationship. It was just way too physical. I completely forgot the ten principles of a good relationship. The appropriate approach would have been to start a friendship, and love each other as brother and sister in Christ first, and establish a friendship where we can help each other learn and grow. Yes it sounds cheesy, I know. But its the way to go if you ask me. I'll elaborate more on the ten principles in another blog. For now, I must sleep.
The good news is that I'm feeling a lot better now. My loves are what have helped me move along with my life and be cheery again. They are presented in chronological order, not in order of importance.
Yesterday, oddly enough was a super low day. I cried and cried, and I felt upset and angry. Feelings I don't even know how I could explain, because rationally speaking, they don't fit their cause. Anywhoo, I was very sad and then realized I was running late and had to get ready for the speech benefit. I got dressed, put on makeup, and went over. I was still sad because speech people asked me what happened and I found myself having to talk about it again. Don't worry, I didn't include detail or trash talk. I did the most basic abstract of everything. "We had a disagreement, and are no longer on speaking terms. The end." And then, the magic occurred.
The benefit began and suddenly my mid shifted. I thought of nothing else but my speech, running it over and over again in my head, making sure I knew everything and would not screw up. Then I went up and performed and its as if everything disappeared. It was as if that moment was all that existed. So ethereal. So real. Yet not. It was simply amazing. At that moment I had a major realization; I need to perform, and I need to do it throughout the rest of my life. Sometimes I hate being me. Being able to set down my own emotions and instead feel someone else's for a few minutes is something I need in order to stay alive and well. Its like when you play tag, and your running and running and you get tired, so you run to the safe tree. Performing is my safe tree.
Alas, hiding behind a character only solves problems temporarily. The best solution to personal problems is to face them head on, find the source, and solve them there. My tool for doing this? Jesus. Well, religion I mean. I really shouldn't flaunt what I am, although I just did. Oh well. I went to church tonight where I listened to a sermon on abstinence, then came home and read my notes from the Rick Holland series on dating and relationships.
What I found in these was that the reason things went wrong is that I did not approach things from a Christian angle. I know those of you reading this will probably think to yourselves something to the effect of "This has nothing to do with religion." The thing is that things began on a weak foundation of simple physical attraction and lust. We did not really know each other very well, nor did we have a solid friendship on which to base a relationship. It was just way too physical. I completely forgot the ten principles of a good relationship. The appropriate approach would have been to start a friendship, and love each other as brother and sister in Christ first, and establish a friendship where we can help each other learn and grow. Yes it sounds cheesy, I know. But its the way to go if you ask me. I'll elaborate more on the ten principles in another blog. For now, I must sleep.
8.5.07
My mom is like Iago the annoying parrot from Aladdin.
I tried. And now I give up. Is he truly worth it? Mehhh...not that he's a bad guy, but I need someone more forgiving, with more realistic expectations. I mean what the heck does he want from a relationship? I figured any guy who didn't mind not having sex and had a pretty good IQ and was Christian would probably really enjoy a relationship with me. But I guess not this one. He couldn't handle me even if he wanted to anyway. So there. Plus, he wasn't even my type physically. He's short, skinny, and has really bad teeth.
The problem is, that the physical excuse doesn't mean much to me since I tend to see beyond people's outsides.
The thing is, from what I've experienced now, I have learned that I'll get over it. And I guess thats what I've gotten from James, and Ben and Pali and now Andrew. It just emphasizes that that flitty fluttery feeling is pretty damn meaningless. And that love or whatever is not something you feel. Its something you do. I see now though, that you can feel that flitty feeling for anyone if you put your mind to it. Or at least I can. And anyone reasonable that is. I felt that feeling with James and I was sad for months before I could finally move on. Then there was Ben. That lasted for quite a while. Then it ended, and I cried every night for like two and a half weeks. And then still I cried occaisionally after that. Then I met Pali, and I set my task of winning him over. Unfortunately, someone else had won him over a few hours earlier. However, I did get those forevery feelings with him even without a relationship because of the friendship we had. Such beautiful feelings from my point of view I'd cry. And then he told me he had a girlfriend, and although it took me a little while and when I initially found out I cried for hours, I moved on. Then came Andrew. This time I questioned myself far more. But nevertheless I got too attached too soon, and now I'm hurt again. But unlike all the times before, this time I know I will get better. And that all of them have very little meaning.
The argument now remains for me however; dating or courtship? Should I keep repeating this same vicious cycle of highs and lows or should I try my best to put off all relationships until I have all four "green lights".
Let me explain further. In the book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye", Joshua Harris makes a very very strong case against dating. He says that because of all the cynicism that is born of the failed relationships from dating, people should avoid dating and instead "court" a good male friend when looking for a marriage later on in life. Kind of like Jim Halpert and Pam Beesley, who have always liked eachother, but not dated. If suddenly Jim asked her out and got to know her better then stated up front that he was looking to get married, and she said so too, and then they didn't have sex until they got married, and then they got married, thats courting. Simple. The four green lights are that you are both financially stable, both your families approve, the approval of the Holy Spirit, and that you both agree on all the issues. I forget whether thats the marriage green light though, or the courting green light. I should reread it.
Thing is, I was set in my ways about all of this, until after what happened with Pali, then I was really insecure. That led to my dating Andrew and then talking myself out of everything I thought before, and into being pro-dating. I convinced myself using the whole "I need practice for marriage and maintaining a healthy relationship later in life" excuse. That and "love even for a few months is worth the pain at the the end of the road".
But is it really? What do I lose by shutting myself off from all relationships until I'm out of college? Do I lose anything? What do I gain? Is it worth the pain?
The problem is, that the physical excuse doesn't mean much to me since I tend to see beyond people's outsides.
The thing is, from what I've experienced now, I have learned that I'll get over it. And I guess thats what I've gotten from James, and Ben and Pali and now Andrew. It just emphasizes that that flitty fluttery feeling is pretty damn meaningless. And that love or whatever is not something you feel. Its something you do. I see now though, that you can feel that flitty feeling for anyone if you put your mind to it. Or at least I can. And anyone reasonable that is. I felt that feeling with James and I was sad for months before I could finally move on. Then there was Ben. That lasted for quite a while. Then it ended, and I cried every night for like two and a half weeks. And then still I cried occaisionally after that. Then I met Pali, and I set my task of winning him over. Unfortunately, someone else had won him over a few hours earlier. However, I did get those forevery feelings with him even without a relationship because of the friendship we had. Such beautiful feelings from my point of view I'd cry. And then he told me he had a girlfriend, and although it took me a little while and when I initially found out I cried for hours, I moved on. Then came Andrew. This time I questioned myself far more. But nevertheless I got too attached too soon, and now I'm hurt again. But unlike all the times before, this time I know I will get better. And that all of them have very little meaning.
The argument now remains for me however; dating or courtship? Should I keep repeating this same vicious cycle of highs and lows or should I try my best to put off all relationships until I have all four "green lights".
Let me explain further. In the book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye", Joshua Harris makes a very very strong case against dating. He says that because of all the cynicism that is born of the failed relationships from dating, people should avoid dating and instead "court" a good male friend when looking for a marriage later on in life. Kind of like Jim Halpert and Pam Beesley, who have always liked eachother, but not dated. If suddenly Jim asked her out and got to know her better then stated up front that he was looking to get married, and she said so too, and then they didn't have sex until they got married, and then they got married, thats courting. Simple. The four green lights are that you are both financially stable, both your families approve, the approval of the Holy Spirit, and that you both agree on all the issues. I forget whether thats the marriage green light though, or the courting green light. I should reread it.
Thing is, I was set in my ways about all of this, until after what happened with Pali, then I was really insecure. That led to my dating Andrew and then talking myself out of everything I thought before, and into being pro-dating. I convinced myself using the whole "I need practice for marriage and maintaining a healthy relationship later in life" excuse. That and "love even for a few months is worth the pain at the the end of the road".
But is it really? What do I lose by shutting myself off from all relationships until I'm out of college? Do I lose anything? What do I gain? Is it worth the pain?
7.5.07
Thoughts
I think I blow things out of proportion sometimes.
Andrew said hi to me today.
I think Evalina said something to him about the situation. Uh oh.
That won't help my situation at all.
In other news, a certain someone who shall remain nameless pissed me off today. Right in front of me he was telling her about certain aspects of acting and show business, and calling his agent to help her. Wtf. If she went into the business and got work, she'd screw herself into the ground and die like Lindsay Lohan. She already is a druggie. He really isn't helping her as much as he thinks she is.
This is all quite upsetting.
Holden Caulfield makes me want to smack him.
What a loser. He seems like he would be an excellent hobo.
I exposed my darker side today in English class. Very Marvin-the-robot-esque.
Quotes of the Day: "I've gotten really ballsy lately. I walk right through clusters of black people." and "No Tachy".
Grease practice yesterday. Whoa. Hand jive will take a lot of practice to get.
I need to sing Hopelessly Devoted until I sound good. I suck at that song.
I did learn one thing today; I do one heck of a humorous Cher impression.
Andrew said hi to me today.
I think Evalina said something to him about the situation. Uh oh.
That won't help my situation at all.
In other news, a certain someone who shall remain nameless pissed me off today. Right in front of me he was telling her about certain aspects of acting and show business, and calling his agent to help her. Wtf. If she went into the business and got work, she'd screw herself into the ground and die like Lindsay Lohan. She already is a druggie. He really isn't helping her as much as he thinks she is.
This is all quite upsetting.
Holden Caulfield makes me want to smack him.
What a loser. He seems like he would be an excellent hobo.
I exposed my darker side today in English class. Very Marvin-the-robot-esque.
Quotes of the Day: "I've gotten really ballsy lately. I walk right through clusters of black people." and "No Tachy".
Grease practice yesterday. Whoa. Hand jive will take a lot of practice to get.
I need to sing Hopelessly Devoted until I sound good. I suck at that song.
I did learn one thing today; I do one heck of a humorous Cher impression.
5.5.07
Griddo Troppo
Grido troppo e per tutto sembra. Il pozzo non per tutto, là sembra appena essere una cosa che realmente lo incita a gridare. E quello è ragazzi. Il mio timore di essere danneggiato o heartbroken a sua volta ha condotto al mio cuore che è rotto.
Ero così insicuro ed in modo da spaventato che Andrew non lo ha gradito che ho ottenuto triste ed irritato sopra niente e che in sé incitato Andrew a smettere di gradirlo. Così ora io realmente triste ed arrabbiato.
Sig.na Ben. Vorrei prendere questa entrata per dire che mai gli non ho dato l'accreditamento che si meritasse come boyfriend. Si è preoccupato abbastanza per comunicare con me giornaliere in linea per 9 mesi où mai ci siamo visti o non ci siamo baciati persino una volta. Ed allora quando potremmo infine vederci, lo ha denominato giornaliere e comunicheremmo per un'ora giornaliere. Ho preso quello per assegnato. Lo ho denominato un boyfriend difettoso perché non farebbe altre cose come paga per il mio pranzo o qualunque. Ma ora vedo che stavo controllandolo insensato. Realmente non ha gradito mai me mólto e la I una volta che pensiero circa quanto quello era, o quanto triste era quando mi sono rotto in su con lui. Manco quello. Avendo qualcuno che si preoccupi abbastanza per voi per denominarlo giornalieri e per desiderare sentire la vostra voce.
Grido troppo.
Ero così insicuro ed in modo da spaventato che Andrew non lo ha gradito che ho ottenuto triste ed irritato sopra niente e che in sé incitato Andrew a smettere di gradirlo. Così ora io realmente triste ed arrabbiato.
Sig.na Ben. Vorrei prendere questa entrata per dire che mai gli non ho dato l'accreditamento che si meritasse come boyfriend. Si è preoccupato abbastanza per comunicare con me giornaliere in linea per 9 mesi où mai ci siamo visti o non ci siamo baciati persino una volta. Ed allora quando potremmo infine vederci, lo ha denominato giornaliere e comunicheremmo per un'ora giornaliere. Ho preso quello per assegnato. Lo ho denominato un boyfriend difettoso perché non farebbe altre cose come paga per il mio pranzo o qualunque. Ma ora vedo che stavo controllandolo insensato. Realmente non ha gradito mai me mólto e la I una volta che pensiero circa quanto quello era, o quanto triste era quando mi sono rotto in su con lui. Manco quello. Avendo qualcuno che si preoccupi abbastanza per voi per denominarlo giornalieri e per desiderare sentire la vostra voce.
Grido troppo.
2.5.07
Asian chics and what happens if you call me a Mexican
Today I have some things to say. Why? Because I do. Richard says to write them down because I could use them in a stand up routine one day.
Disclaimer: I love asian people, and I am not racist. I have lots of close friends who are asian, and this by no means is meant to offend. It is meant simply as a comical angry rant.
YOu know what I've noticed? Every guy goes through an asian phase. A temporary fetish. What the hell. What is so great about the asian chics anyway. What is so f***ing great about the color yellow. I just don't see it. Not only is it an asian phase, but its an ugly asian chic phase. I mean, there are defiently pretty asian girls out there, but those aren't the ones taking all the guys. No. The guys seem to like, friggin hunt down the most plain looking, unnattractive asian ones they can. And thats like finding a needle in a friggin haystack right there. Its liek they are walking down the street, pass like ten gorgeous women: a tall skinny movie star blonde, a spicy latina with brown eyes and voluptous curves, an african goddess, and then they see an asian chic who is like three feet tall, no ass, no boobs, kind of looks like your old tai kwan do instructor, with glasses to magnify what little she CAN see with her eyes, and they say, THATS THE ONE. I do not understand. I ask my spanish teacher and he tells me its cuz they are more submissive while us white girls are all assertive feminist bitches. And I say HOW THE F*** DID YOU COME UP WITH THAT!!! I'm sorry but intellectually speaking, there is NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE more intimidating than an asian girl. Think abuot it, thats like an asian guy, without the distraction of testosterone. Its a complete mystery. I have a theory though. I think they think tehy will be getting unlimited sushi. Cuz everyone likes sushi. WHich is so wrong because just cuz you have slanted eyes doesn't mean you own a sushi restaurant. It could be Thai, or Chinese. Very different food. Thats like saying all latino people eat tacos. Thats ridiculous and racist. We do not all eat tacos. Let me tell you. Some of us eat pupusas. (only my latino friends will get a laugh out of that one).
This brings me to the next thing that pisses me off. Racism against and among latino people. Its just like asian racism. Just cuz you're hispanic doesn't mean you are gonna have brown skin and born eyes and black hair, and it CERTAINLY does not mean you are MEXICAN. Go ahead and call a random latino on the street a MEXICAN. FUCK NO, that is a gamble right there. If that person happens to be from El salvador, You are dead. MS-13 right there. If that preson is from Columbia, they will call their friend from the drug cartels and you're dead. If that person happens to be from Peru or Ecuador, they will play one of those little panpipes at you until you die. Thats the worst one. Talk about cruel and unusual punishment right there. Hijole! Praise America for the 8th amendment. If that person happens to be from Mexico, well then you're fine. chances are they will be a Mexican though so you're not in danger cuz most of them are. But not all. Some are from Costa Rica or Nicaragua. Whatever you do though, don't call a Mexican anything but a Mexican. Its dangerous they could throw beans or a cactus at you.
Disclaimer: I love asian people, and I am not racist. I have lots of close friends who are asian, and this by no means is meant to offend. It is meant simply as a comical angry rant.
YOu know what I've noticed? Every guy goes through an asian phase. A temporary fetish. What the hell. What is so great about the asian chics anyway. What is so f***ing great about the color yellow. I just don't see it. Not only is it an asian phase, but its an ugly asian chic phase. I mean, there are defiently pretty asian girls out there, but those aren't the ones taking all the guys. No. The guys seem to like, friggin hunt down the most plain looking, unnattractive asian ones they can. And thats like finding a needle in a friggin haystack right there. Its liek they are walking down the street, pass like ten gorgeous women: a tall skinny movie star blonde, a spicy latina with brown eyes and voluptous curves, an african goddess, and then they see an asian chic who is like three feet tall, no ass, no boobs, kind of looks like your old tai kwan do instructor, with glasses to magnify what little she CAN see with her eyes, and they say, THATS THE ONE. I do not understand. I ask my spanish teacher and he tells me its cuz they are more submissive while us white girls are all assertive feminist bitches. And I say HOW THE F*** DID YOU COME UP WITH THAT!!! I'm sorry but intellectually speaking, there is NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE more intimidating than an asian girl. Think abuot it, thats like an asian guy, without the distraction of testosterone. Its a complete mystery. I have a theory though. I think they think tehy will be getting unlimited sushi. Cuz everyone likes sushi. WHich is so wrong because just cuz you have slanted eyes doesn't mean you own a sushi restaurant. It could be Thai, or Chinese. Very different food. Thats like saying all latino people eat tacos. Thats ridiculous and racist. We do not all eat tacos. Let me tell you. Some of us eat pupusas. (only my latino friends will get a laugh out of that one).
This brings me to the next thing that pisses me off. Racism against and among latino people. Its just like asian racism. Just cuz you're hispanic doesn't mean you are gonna have brown skin and born eyes and black hair, and it CERTAINLY does not mean you are MEXICAN. Go ahead and call a random latino on the street a MEXICAN. FUCK NO, that is a gamble right there. If that person happens to be from El salvador, You are dead. MS-13 right there. If that preson is from Columbia, they will call their friend from the drug cartels and you're dead. If that person happens to be from Peru or Ecuador, they will play one of those little panpipes at you until you die. Thats the worst one. Talk about cruel and unusual punishment right there. Hijole! Praise America for the 8th amendment. If that person happens to be from Mexico, well then you're fine. chances are they will be a Mexican though so you're not in danger cuz most of them are. But not all. Some are from Costa Rica or Nicaragua. Whatever you do though, don't call a Mexican anything but a Mexican. Its dangerous they could throw beans or a cactus at you.
1.5.07
What I hate
Is when people do things and act like you won't find out or like you're stupid and can't put hings together.
Lucia Rocks My Socks
LUCHIAAA (9:15:38 PM) : hilary clintion
Auto Response from Cathee178 (9:15:54 PM) : Phantom
Auto Response from Cathee178
LUCHIAAA (9:15:40 PM) : 08
Cathee178 (9:16:01 PM) : obama
LUCHIAAA (9:15:50 PM) : HILARY
LUCHIAAA (9:15:51 PM) : clinton
Cathee178 (9:16:12 PM) : BARACK
Cathee178 (9:16:14 PM) : OBAMA
LUCHIAAA (9:16:06 PM) : YOU SUCK.
LUCHIAAA (9:16:07 PM) : no.
LUCHIAAA (9:16:08 PM) : clinton
LUCHIAAA (9:16:12 PM) : i bett you biiiig money that clinton will win
Cathee178 (9:16:36 PM) : its historicaly proven
Cathee178 (9:16:46 PM) : that black men get rights before women
LUCHIAAA (9:16:34 PM) : hahahhahahahahahaha
Cathee178 (9:16:52 PM) : like voting
LUCHIAAA (9:16:43 PM) : that was sooo funny
Cathee178 (9:17:03 PM) : the civil rights movement came before the feminist one
LUCHIAAA (9:16:51 PM) : but more ppl like women, than they do black ppl
Cathee178 (9:17:18 PM) : hahahah
Cathee178 (9:17:23 PM) : actually
Cathee178 (9:17:27 PM) : i like black people more
Cathee178 (9:17:31 PM) : but thats just me i guess
LUCHIAAA (9:17:22 PM) : HHAAH i looove black ppl
LUCHIAAA (9:17:24 PM) : but i hope tat bitch wins
Cathee178 (9:17:55 PM) : she does have a good chance
LUCHIAAA (9:17:44 PM) : she has an excellent chance
Cathee178 (9:18:06 PM) : but a lot of people don't lke her just because of her husband
Cathee178 (9:18:22 PM) : and because if its two people from the same family
Cathee178 (9:18:29 PM) : its too much like a dynasty
LUCHIAAA (9:18:22 PM) : bush was a dynasty
Cathee178 (9:18:58 PM) : true...but look how that turned out.
LUCHIAAA (9:19:11 PM) : you know what
LUCHIAAA (9:19:13 PM) : i love my woman.
LUCHIAAA (9:19:16 PM) : now shut up. she WILL win
Cathee178 (9:19:45 PM) : barack has only two weaknesses outside of his blackness; he doesn't address states basedon local stuff like hilary does, he's very abstract, andhe doesn't have enough experience
Cathee178 (9:19:53 PM) : its like voting for the same person tho
Cathee178 (9:20:02 PM) : the voted the same way on everything
Cathee178 (9:20:05 PM) : *they
Cathee178 (9:20:08 PM) : lol
LUCHIAAA (9:19:54 PM) : butl ike i said
LUCHIAAA (9:19:59 PM) : more ppl like women then black ppl
Cathee178 (9:20:22 PM) : lol
Cathee178 (9:20:25 PM) : sure lucia
LUCHIAAA (9:20:13 PM) : GAGHHAHAHA
LUCHIAAA (9:20:14 PM) : fuck you im serious
Cathee178 (9:20:36 PM) : uh huh
Cathee178 (9:20:47 PM) : fo sho
Cathee178 (9:20:56 PM) : cuz people don't get mugged by women
Cathee178 (9:21:05 PM) : they get mugged by black men
Cathee178 (9:21:08 PM) : like barack obama
LUCHIAAA (9:21:12 PM) : HAHAH ITS TRUE
LUCHIAAA (9:21:17 PM) : i hope they both win
LUCHIAAA (9:21:17 PM) : haha
LUCHIAAA (9:21:19 PM) : honestly
Cathee178 (9:21:41 PM) : i think they should run together
Cathee178 (9:21:45 PM) : one as vice president
Cathee178 (9:21:51 PM) : the other as president
Cathee178 (9:22:07 PM) : in which case i don't give a crap who wins as lon goas they are a democrat
LUCHIAAA (9:22:06 PM) : YEAH!
LUCHIAAA (9:22:13 PM) : omg. lts make them run together!
LUCHIAAA (9:22:15 PM) : i'll call hilary
LUCHIAAA (9:22:17 PM) : you call obama
Cathee178 (9:22:37 PM) : fo sho
LUCHIAAA (9:23:48 PM) : omg how fuking nice woudl our country be if theyd id?
Cathee178 (9:24:34 PM) : it wouyld be amazing
Cathee178 (9:24:42 PM) : a black guy from hawaii
Cathee178 (9:24:44 PM) : and a woman
Cathee178 (9:24:56 PM) : it would be the golden age of america
Cathee178 (9:25:00 PM) : the us at its finest
LUCHIAAA (9:25:06 PM) : amenn!
LUCHIAAA (9:25:10 PM) : LTES RUN FOR PRESIDENT TOGETHER!
Cathee178 (9:25:32 PM) : YES
Cathee178 (9:25:34 PM) : wait...
Cathee178 (9:25:36 PM) : you and me?
LUCHIAAA (9:25:48 PM) : YES
LUCHIAAA (9:25:50 PM) : haha
Cathee178 (9:26:12 PM) : ok
Cathee178 (9:26:17 PM) : it will be like sonny and cher
Cathee178 (9:26:20 PM) : but two girls
Cathee178 (9:26:34 PM) : like
Cathee178 (9:26:41 PM) : katie couric and barbara walter
Cathee178 (9:26:46 PM) : *walters
LUCHIAAA (9:26:46 PM) : HAHAH
LUCHIAAA (9:26:49 PM) : ij'll be katie!
LUCHIAAA (9:26:53 PM) : she has..pizazz
Cathee178 (9:27:11 PM) : lol
Cathee178 (9:27:15 PM) : ok
Cathee178 (9:27:18 PM) : i'll be barbara
Cathee178 (9:27:21 PM) : because when i'm old
Cathee178 (9:27:29 PM) : i'll be like that probably
LUCHIAAA (9:27:41 PM) : HAHAH
LUCHIAAA (9:30:34 PM) : omg lets fuckign do itt!
LUCHIAAA (9:30:37 PM) : we'll have brains adn fun!
Cathee178 (9:31:16 PM) : what no beauty?
Cathee178 (9:31:22 PM) : we are hot
LUCHIAAA (9:31:11 PM) : HAHHA EW ARE HOTT
LUCHIAAA (9:31:20 PM) : i just assumed it was automatically known
LUCHIAAA (9:31:30 PM) : plus we're WAAAAY classier than merry cherry or whatever her name is
Cathee178 (9:31:56 PM) : oh defeintly
Cathee178 (9:32:00 PM) : i think she was a pornstar
LUCHIAAA (9:31:47 PM) : HAHHA
LUCHIAAA (9:31:52 PM) : we're CLASSY boards
LUCHIAAA (9:31:54 PM) : broads*
LUCHIAAA (9:31:58 PM) : theres a different
Cathee178 (9:32:37 PM) : mhmm
Cathee178 (9:32:39 PM) : huge
Cathee178 (9:32:40 PM) : its like
Cathee178 (9:32:50 PM) : ice cream vs. rocks
Cathee178 (9:32:54 PM) : you just can't compare
LUCHIAAA (9:32:44 PM) : you really cant
LUCHIAAA (9:32:46 PM) : its like
LUCHIAAA (9:32:49 PM) : diamonds and rhinestones
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