My mom is like Iago the annoying parrot from Aladdin.

I tried. And now I give up. Is he truly worth it? Mehhh...not that he's a bad guy, but I need someone more forgiving, with more realistic expectations. I mean what the heck does he want from a relationship? I figured any guy who didn't mind not having sex and had a pretty good IQ and was Christian would probably really enjoy a relationship with me. But I guess not this one. He couldn't handle me even if he wanted to anyway. So there. Plus, he wasn't even my type physically. He's short, skinny, and has really bad teeth.

The problem is, that the physical excuse doesn't mean much to me since I tend to see beyond people's outsides.

The thing is, from what I've experienced now, I have learned that I'll get over it. And I guess thats what I've gotten from James, and Ben and Pali and now Andrew. It just emphasizes that that flitty fluttery feeling is pretty damn meaningless. And that love or whatever is not something you feel. Its something you do. I see now though, that you can feel that flitty feeling for anyone if you put your mind to it. Or at least I can. And anyone reasonable that is. I felt that feeling with James and I was sad for months before I could finally move on. Then there was Ben. That lasted for quite a while. Then it ended, and I cried every night for like two and a half weeks. And then still I cried occaisionally after that. Then I met Pali, and I set my task of winning him over. Unfortunately, someone else had won him over a few hours earlier. However, I did get those forevery feelings with him even without a relationship because of the friendship we had. Such beautiful feelings from my point of view I'd cry. And then he told me he had a girlfriend, and although it took me a little while and when I initially found out I cried for hours, I moved on. Then came Andrew. This time I questioned myself far more. But nevertheless I got too attached too soon, and now I'm hurt again. But unlike all the times before, this time I know I will get better. And that all of them have very little meaning.

The argument now remains for me however; dating or courtship? Should I keep repeating this same vicious cycle of highs and lows or should I try my best to put off all relationships until I have all four "green lights".

Let me explain further. In the book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye", Joshua Harris makes a very very strong case against dating. He says that because of all the cynicism that is born of the failed relationships from dating, people should avoid dating and instead "court" a good male friend when looking for a marriage later on in life. Kind of like Jim Halpert and Pam Beesley, who have always liked eachother, but not dated. If suddenly Jim asked her out and got to know her better then stated up front that he was looking to get married, and she said so too, and then they didn't have sex until they got married, and then they got married, thats courting. Simple. The four green lights are that you are both financially stable, both your families approve, the approval of the Holy Spirit, and that you both agree on all the issues. I forget whether thats the marriage green light though, or the courting green light. I should reread it.

Thing is, I was set in my ways about all of this, until after what happened with Pali, then I was really insecure. That led to my dating Andrew and then talking myself out of everything I thought before, and into being pro-dating. I convinced myself using the whole "I need practice for marriage and maintaining a healthy relationship later in life" excuse. That and "love even for a few months is worth the pain at the the end of the road".

But is it really? What do I lose by shutting myself off from all relationships until I'm out of college? Do I lose anything? What do I gain? Is it worth the pain?