My crisis the past weeks could very well be easily written off as my being a drama queen, overreacting, overly sensitive, etc etc. One of my friends even theorized that I might be bipolar. And I very well could be, I have many symptoms; I'm super fidgety, emotional, don't let things go very easily, and have chronic bouts of depression. However, I'd rather not blame my emotions on some kind of chemical imbalance. I actually have a pretty good explanation of why I have been this way. I put too much of myself into everything I do. Why? Because I sort of believe that if your going to do something you should never half ass it. So I may have over invested myself. Plus, I've been in menstrual mode for an extra two weeks since I started late this month. Not that you needed to know that. But my irregular cycle could be a cause of my sensitivity. That and my seemingly chronic depression could have coincided with the events, resulting in catastrophe. Regardless I return to my over-investment. I'm just too sweet to be able to be with someone and just end like BAM. Even if it isn't official and it is just for like a month. Sorry, I'm still hecka innocent like that.
The good news is that I'm feeling a lot better now. My loves are what have helped me move along with my life and be cheery again. They are presented in chronological order, not in order of importance.
Yesterday, oddly enough was a super low day. I cried and cried, and I felt upset and angry. Feelings I don't even know how I could explain, because rationally speaking, they don't fit their cause. Anywhoo, I was very sad and then realized I was running late and had to get ready for the speech benefit. I got dressed, put on makeup, and went over. I was still sad because speech people asked me what happened and I found myself having to talk about it again. Don't worry, I didn't include detail or trash talk. I did the most basic abstract of everything. "We had a disagreement, and are no longer on speaking terms. The end." And then, the magic occurred.
The benefit began and suddenly my mid shifted. I thought of nothing else but my speech, running it over and over again in my head, making sure I knew everything and would not screw up. Then I went up and performed and its as if everything disappeared. It was as if that moment was all that existed. So ethereal. So real. Yet not. It was simply amazing. At that moment I had a major realization; I need to perform, and I need to do it throughout the rest of my life. Sometimes I hate being me. Being able to set down my own emotions and instead feel someone else's for a few minutes is something I need in order to stay alive and well. Its like when you play tag, and your running and running and you get tired, so you run to the safe tree. Performing is my safe tree.
Alas, hiding behind a character only solves problems temporarily. The best solution to personal problems is to face them head on, find the source, and solve them there. My tool for doing this? Jesus. Well, religion I mean. I really shouldn't flaunt what I am, although I just did. Oh well. I went to church tonight where I listened to a sermon on abstinence, then came home and read my notes from the Rick Holland series on dating and relationships.
What I found in these was that the reason things went wrong is that I did not approach things from a Christian angle. I know those of you reading this will probably think to yourselves something to the effect of "This has nothing to do with religion." The thing is that things began on a weak foundation of simple physical attraction and lust. We did not really know each other very well, nor did we have a solid friendship on which to base a relationship. It was just way too physical. I completely forgot the ten principles of a good relationship. The appropriate approach would have been to start a friendship, and love each other as brother and sister in Christ first, and establish a friendship where we can help each other learn and grow. Yes it sounds cheesy, I know. But its the way to go if you ask me. I'll elaborate more on the ten principles in another blog. For now, I must sleep.
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