30.5.07

I saw it coming a million miles away.

Jill found Bob attractive. Susy said to go for Bob's buddy, Bill. Jill found Bill attractive, too, but Bob showed more interest. Then after careful observation she found that Susy probably still had feelings for Bob. They had EVERYTHING in common, and were like, made for eachother. And it now appears Bob and Susy are speaking again. Jill definetly saw that one coming.

Honestly, I need to stop this bouncing from crush to crush thing. Its stupid and it makes it so nothing means anything anymore. All it all is, is word vomit. "You're beautiful" is word vomit language for "I'd like to get in your pants so I'm saying this so you keep talking to me long enough that that is a possibility." F'ing word-spew. Ewww. Its about as gross as real vomit too when you think about it. I understand the fundamental need of humans to communicate with one another, but romance is ridiculous.

I feel like it all goes back to something Mr. Goethals once asked the class, "Is social bonding just an illusion we create?" My answer is yes. Why? Because words are words. They can represent true feelings, but feelings are fickle and can change in a heartbeat. Therefore the words exchanged with others during times of social bonding are quite meaningless.

Maybe I'm just really sad because of the graduating seniors this year. They are all leaving me to go hundreds of miles away, and I will rarely ever see them again, yet we shared so many wonderful memories. Things like Yule Ball and the date auction, the hours spent after xc practice talking to Maeve in the locker room, all the xc practices themselves and the meets...

I guess I feel a little bit of resentment towards them all. I wanted to go the SOCES speech showcase today instead of Track Banquet, but then Maeve reminded me that even though I never raced this season, I was a part of the team and the banquet was where I belonged, and that I shouldn't leave my long time friends to hang out with people I hardly know. She had a point. I just guess that a part of me wants to move on quickly and painlessly. But thats a little harsh.

Oh gosh it makes me cry. I'm gonna miss them!

21.5.07

June Gloom

I love the weather lately. Its so comfortable. A little bit on the cold side, but comfy nevertheless. I like that I don't have to squint in the sun or worry about smelling bad from sweatiness. It's nice.

In other news, I walked past Andrew today. He looked at me for a split second, so I stared at him as he walked by. Just to make him uncomfortable I guess. This is so stupid. He needs to man up and talk to me. The grudge he's holding isn't good for either of us, and I say that as a person, not as a girl.

In other news, I'm moving on. And thats a good thing. My second and third attempts at being flirty have been slightly more successful. I just want to have fun at this point.

Funny thing, a certain someone who I will name *** told me some stuff about ****. Things I truly did not expect. I know a side of **** that is virtuous, honest, kind, respectful, and does not date girls just because they will sleep with him. However, *** insists otherwise. I don't know, but considering his past actions in respect to me it would not come as a surprise for it to be true.

18.5.07

Refuge in my Love

My crisis the past weeks could very well be easily written off as my being a drama queen, overreacting, overly sensitive, etc etc. One of my friends even theorized that I might be bipolar. And I very well could be, I have many symptoms; I'm super fidgety, emotional, don't let things go very easily, and have chronic bouts of depression. However, I'd rather not blame my emotions on some kind of chemical imbalance. I actually have a pretty good explanation of why I have been this way. I put too much of myself into everything I do. Why? Because I sort of believe that if your going to do something you should never half ass it. So I may have over invested myself. Plus, I've been in menstrual mode for an extra two weeks since I started late this month. Not that you needed to know that. But my irregular cycle could be a cause of my sensitivity. That and my seemingly chronic depression could have coincided with the events, resulting in catastrophe. Regardless I return to my over-investment. I'm just too sweet to be able to be with someone and just end like BAM. Even if it isn't official and it is just for like a month. Sorry, I'm still hecka innocent like that.

The good news is that I'm feeling a lot better now. My loves are what have helped me move along with my life and be cheery again. They are presented in chronological order, not in order of importance.

Yesterday, oddly enough was a super low day. I cried and cried, and I felt upset and angry. Feelings I don't even know how I could explain, because rationally speaking, they don't fit their cause. Anywhoo, I was very sad and then realized I was running late and had to get ready for the speech benefit. I got dressed, put on makeup, and went over. I was still sad because speech people asked me what happened and I found myself having to talk about it again. Don't worry, I didn't include detail or trash talk. I did the most basic abstract of everything. "We had a disagreement, and are no longer on speaking terms. The end." And then, the magic occurred.

The benefit began and suddenly my mid shifted. I thought of nothing else but my speech, running it over and over again in my head, making sure I knew everything and would not screw up. Then I went up and performed and its as if everything disappeared. It was as if that moment was all that existed. So ethereal. So real. Yet not. It was simply amazing. At that moment I had a major realization; I need to perform, and I need to do it throughout the rest of my life. Sometimes I hate being me. Being able to set down my own emotions and instead feel someone else's for a few minutes is something I need in order to stay alive and well. Its like when you play tag, and your running and running and you get tired, so you run to the safe tree. Performing is my safe tree.

Alas, hiding behind a character only solves problems temporarily. The best solution to personal problems is to face them head on, find the source, and solve them there. My tool for doing this? Jesus. Well, religion I mean. I really shouldn't flaunt what I am, although I just did. Oh well. I went to church tonight where I listened to a sermon on abstinence, then came home and read my notes from the Rick Holland series on dating and relationships.

What I found in these was that the reason things went wrong is that I did not approach things from a Christian angle. I know those of you reading this will probably think to yourselves something to the effect of "This has nothing to do with religion." The thing is that things began on a weak foundation of simple physical attraction and lust. We did not really know each other very well, nor did we have a solid friendship on which to base a relationship. It was just way too physical. I completely forgot the ten principles of a good relationship. The appropriate approach would have been to start a friendship, and love each other as brother and sister in Christ first, and establish a friendship where we can help each other learn and grow. Yes it sounds cheesy, I know. But its the way to go if you ask me. I'll elaborate more on the ten principles in another blog. For now, I must sleep.

8.5.07

My mom is like Iago the annoying parrot from Aladdin.

I tried. And now I give up. Is he truly worth it? Mehhh...not that he's a bad guy, but I need someone more forgiving, with more realistic expectations. I mean what the heck does he want from a relationship? I figured any guy who didn't mind not having sex and had a pretty good IQ and was Christian would probably really enjoy a relationship with me. But I guess not this one. He couldn't handle me even if he wanted to anyway. So there. Plus, he wasn't even my type physically. He's short, skinny, and has really bad teeth.

The problem is, that the physical excuse doesn't mean much to me since I tend to see beyond people's outsides.

The thing is, from what I've experienced now, I have learned that I'll get over it. And I guess thats what I've gotten from James, and Ben and Pali and now Andrew. It just emphasizes that that flitty fluttery feeling is pretty damn meaningless. And that love or whatever is not something you feel. Its something you do. I see now though, that you can feel that flitty feeling for anyone if you put your mind to it. Or at least I can. And anyone reasonable that is. I felt that feeling with James and I was sad for months before I could finally move on. Then there was Ben. That lasted for quite a while. Then it ended, and I cried every night for like two and a half weeks. And then still I cried occaisionally after that. Then I met Pali, and I set my task of winning him over. Unfortunately, someone else had won him over a few hours earlier. However, I did get those forevery feelings with him even without a relationship because of the friendship we had. Such beautiful feelings from my point of view I'd cry. And then he told me he had a girlfriend, and although it took me a little while and when I initially found out I cried for hours, I moved on. Then came Andrew. This time I questioned myself far more. But nevertheless I got too attached too soon, and now I'm hurt again. But unlike all the times before, this time I know I will get better. And that all of them have very little meaning.

The argument now remains for me however; dating or courtship? Should I keep repeating this same vicious cycle of highs and lows or should I try my best to put off all relationships until I have all four "green lights".

Let me explain further. In the book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye", Joshua Harris makes a very very strong case against dating. He says that because of all the cynicism that is born of the failed relationships from dating, people should avoid dating and instead "court" a good male friend when looking for a marriage later on in life. Kind of like Jim Halpert and Pam Beesley, who have always liked eachother, but not dated. If suddenly Jim asked her out and got to know her better then stated up front that he was looking to get married, and she said so too, and then they didn't have sex until they got married, and then they got married, thats courting. Simple. The four green lights are that you are both financially stable, both your families approve, the approval of the Holy Spirit, and that you both agree on all the issues. I forget whether thats the marriage green light though, or the courting green light. I should reread it.

Thing is, I was set in my ways about all of this, until after what happened with Pali, then I was really insecure. That led to my dating Andrew and then talking myself out of everything I thought before, and into being pro-dating. I convinced myself using the whole "I need practice for marriage and maintaining a healthy relationship later in life" excuse. That and "love even for a few months is worth the pain at the the end of the road".

But is it really? What do I lose by shutting myself off from all relationships until I'm out of college? Do I lose anything? What do I gain? Is it worth the pain?

7.5.07

Thoughts

I think I blow things out of proportion sometimes.

Andrew said hi to me today.

I think Evalina said something to him about the situation. Uh oh.

That won't help my situation at all.

In other news, a certain someone who shall remain nameless pissed me off today. Right in front of me he was telling her about certain aspects of acting and show business, and calling his agent to help her. Wtf. If she went into the business and got work, she'd screw herself into the ground and die like Lindsay Lohan. She already is a druggie. He really isn't helping her as much as he thinks she is.

This is all quite upsetting.

Holden Caulfield makes me want to smack him.

What a loser. He seems like he would be an excellent hobo.

I exposed my darker side today in English class. Very Marvin-the-robot-esque.

Quotes of the Day: "I've gotten really ballsy lately. I walk right through clusters of black people." and "No Tachy".

Grease practice yesterday. Whoa. Hand jive will take a lot of practice to get.

I need to sing Hopelessly Devoted until I sound good. I suck at that song.

I did learn one thing today; I do one heck of a humorous Cher impression.

5.5.07

Griddo Troppo

Grido troppo e per tutto sembra. Il pozzo non per tutto, là sembra appena essere una cosa che realmente lo incita a gridare. E quello è ragazzi. Il mio timore di essere danneggiato o heartbroken a sua volta ha condotto al mio cuore che è rotto.

Ero così insicuro ed in modo da spaventato che Andrew non lo ha gradito che ho ottenuto triste ed irritato sopra niente e che in sé incitato Andrew a smettere di gradirlo. Così ora io realmente triste ed arrabbiato.

Sig.na Ben. Vorrei prendere questa entrata per dire che mai gli non ho dato l'accreditamento che si meritasse come boyfriend. Si è preoccupato abbastanza per comunicare con me giornaliere in linea per 9 mesi où mai ci siamo visti o non ci siamo baciati persino una volta. Ed allora quando potremmo infine vederci, lo ha denominato giornaliere e comunicheremmo per un'ora giornaliere. Ho preso quello per assegnato. Lo ho denominato un boyfriend difettoso perché non farebbe altre cose come paga per il mio pranzo o qualunque. Ma ora vedo che stavo controllandolo insensato. Realmente non ha gradito mai me mólto e la I una volta che pensiero circa quanto quello era, o quanto triste era quando mi sono rotto in su con lui. Manco quello. Avendo qualcuno che si preoccupi abbastanza per voi per denominarlo giornalieri e per desiderare sentire la vostra voce.

Grido troppo.

2.5.07

Asian chics and what happens if you call me a Mexican

Today I have some things to say. Why? Because I do. Richard says to write them down because I could use them in a stand up routine one day.

Disclaimer: I love asian people, and I am not racist. I have lots of close friends who are asian, and this by no means is meant to offend. It is meant simply as a comical angry rant.


YOu know what I've noticed? Every guy goes through an asian phase. A temporary fetish. What the hell. What is so great about the asian chics anyway. What is so f***ing great about the color yellow. I just don't see it. Not only is it an asian phase, but its an ugly asian chic phase. I mean, there are defiently pretty asian girls out there, but those aren't the ones taking all the guys. No. The guys seem to like, friggin hunt down the most plain looking, unnattractive asian ones they can. And thats like finding a needle in a friggin haystack right there. Its liek they are walking down the street, pass like ten gorgeous women: a tall skinny movie star blonde, a spicy latina with brown eyes and voluptous curves, an african goddess, and then they see an asian chic who is like three feet tall, no ass, no boobs, kind of looks like your old tai kwan do instructor, with glasses to magnify what little she CAN see with her eyes, and they say, THATS THE ONE. I do not understand. I ask my spanish teacher and he tells me its cuz they are more submissive while us white girls are all assertive feminist bitches. And I say HOW THE F*** DID YOU COME UP WITH THAT!!! I'm sorry but intellectually speaking, there is NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE more intimidating than an asian girl. Think abuot it, thats like an asian guy, without the distraction of testosterone. Its a complete mystery. I have a theory though. I think they think tehy will be getting unlimited sushi. Cuz everyone likes sushi. WHich is so wrong because just cuz you have slanted eyes doesn't mean you own a sushi restaurant. It could be Thai, or Chinese. Very different food. Thats like saying all latino people eat tacos. Thats ridiculous and racist. We do not all eat tacos. Let me tell you. Some of us eat pupusas. (only my latino friends will get a laugh out of that one).

This brings me to the next thing that pisses me off. Racism against and among latino people. Its just like asian racism. Just cuz you're hispanic doesn't mean you are gonna have brown skin and born eyes and black hair, and it CERTAINLY does not mean you are MEXICAN. Go ahead and call a random latino on the street a MEXICAN. FUCK NO, that is a gamble right there. If that person happens to be from El salvador, You are dead. MS-13 right there. If that preson is from Columbia, they will call their friend from the drug cartels and you're dead. If that person happens to be from Peru or Ecuador, they will play one of those little panpipes at you until you die. Thats the worst one. Talk about cruel and unusual punishment right there. Hijole! Praise America for the 8th amendment. If that person happens to be from Mexico, well then you're fine. chances are they will be a Mexican though so you're not in danger cuz most of them are. But not all. Some are from Costa Rica or Nicaragua. Whatever you do though, don't call a Mexican anything but a Mexican. Its dangerous they could throw beans or a cactus at you.

1.5.07

What I hate

Is when people do things and act like you won't find out or like you're stupid and can't put hings together.

Lucia Rocks My Socks

LUCHIAAA (9:15:38 PM): hilary clintion

Auto Response from Cathee178 (9:15:54 PM): Phantom
LUCHIAAA (9:15:40 PM): 08
Cathee178 (9:16:01 PM): obama
LUCHIAAA (9:15:50 PM): HILARY
LUCHIAAA (9:15:51 PM): clinton
Cathee178 (9:16:12 PM): BARACK
Cathee178 (9:16:14 PM): OBAMA
LUCHIAAA (9:16:06 PM): YOU SUCK.
LUCHIAAA (9:16:07 PM): no.
LUCHIAAA (9:16:08 PM): clinton
LUCHIAAA (9:16:12 PM): i bett you biiiig money that clinton will win
Cathee178 (9:16:36 PM): its historicaly proven
Cathee178 (9:16:46 PM): that black men get rights before women
LUCHIAAA (9:16:34 PM): hahahhahahahahahaha
Cathee178 (9:16:52 PM): like voting
LUCHIAAA (9:16:43 PM): that was sooo funny
Cathee178 (9:17:03 PM): the civil rights movement came before the feminist one
LUCHIAAA (9:16:51 PM): but more ppl like women, than they do black ppl
Cathee178 (9:17:18 PM): hahahah
Cathee178 (9:17:23 PM): actually
Cathee178 (9:17:27 PM): i like black people more
Cathee178 (9:17:31 PM): but thats just me i guess
LUCHIAAA (9:17:22 PM): HHAAH i looove black ppl
LUCHIAAA (9:17:24 PM): but i hope tat bitch wins
Cathee178 (9:17:55 PM): she does have a good chance
LUCHIAAA (9:17:44 PM): she has an excellent chance
Cathee178 (9:18:06 PM): but a lot of people don't lke her just because of her husband
Cathee178 (9:18:22 PM): and because if its two people from the same family
Cathee178 (9:18:29 PM): its too much like a dynasty
LUCHIAAA (9:18:22 PM): bush was a dynasty
Cathee178 (9:18:58 PM): true...but look how that turned out.
LUCHIAAA (9:19:11 PM): you know what
LUCHIAAA (9:19:13 PM): i love my woman.
LUCHIAAA (9:19:16 PM): now shut up. she WILL win
Cathee178 (9:19:45 PM): barack has only two weaknesses outside of his blackness; he doesn't address states basedon local stuff like hilary does, he's very abstract, andhe doesn't have enough experience
Cathee178 (9:19:53 PM): its like voting for the same person tho
Cathee178 (9:20:02 PM): the voted the same way on everything
Cathee178 (9:20:05 PM): *they
Cathee178 (9:20:08 PM): lol
LUCHIAAA (9:19:54 PM): butl ike i said
LUCHIAAA (9:19:59 PM): more ppl like women then black ppl
Cathee178 (9:20:22 PM): lol
Cathee178 (9:20:25 PM): sure lucia
LUCHIAAA (9:20:13 PM): GAGHHAHAHA
LUCHIAAA (9:20:14 PM): fuck you im serious
Cathee178 (9:20:36 PM): uh huh
Cathee178 (9:20:47 PM): fo sho
Cathee178 (9:20:56 PM): cuz people don't get mugged by women
Cathee178 (9:21:05 PM): they get mugged by black men
Cathee178 (9:21:08 PM): like barack obama
LUCHIAAA (9:21:12 PM): HAHAH ITS TRUE
LUCHIAAA (9:21:17 PM): i hope they both win
LUCHIAAA (9:21:17 PM): haha
LUCHIAAA (9:21:19 PM): honestly
Cathee178 (9:21:41 PM): i think they should run together
Cathee178 (9:21:45 PM): one as vice president
Cathee178 (9:21:51 PM): the other as president
Cathee178 (9:22:07 PM): in which case i don't give a crap who wins as lon goas they are a democrat
LUCHIAAA (9:22:06 PM): YEAH!
LUCHIAAA (9:22:13 PM): omg. lts make them run together!
LUCHIAAA (9:22:15 PM): i'll call hilary
LUCHIAAA (9:22:17 PM): you call obama
Cathee178 (9:22:37 PM): fo sho
LUCHIAAA (9:23:48 PM): omg how fuking nice woudl our country be if theyd id?
Cathee178 (9:24:34 PM): it wouyld be amazing
Cathee178 (9:24:42 PM): a black guy from hawaii
Cathee178 (9:24:44 PM): and a woman
Cathee178 (9:24:56 PM): it would be the golden age of america
Cathee178 (9:25:00 PM): the us at its finest
LUCHIAAA (9:25:06 PM): amenn!
LUCHIAAA (9:25:10 PM): LTES RUN FOR PRESIDENT TOGETHER!
Cathee178 (9:25:32 PM): YES
Cathee178 (9:25:34 PM): wait...
Cathee178 (9:25:36 PM): you and me?
LUCHIAAA (9:25:48 PM): YES
LUCHIAAA (9:25:50 PM): haha
Cathee178 (9:26:12 PM): ok
Cathee178 (9:26:17 PM): it will be like sonny and cher
Cathee178 (9:26:20 PM): but two girls
Cathee178 (9:26:34 PM): like
Cathee178 (9:26:41 PM): katie couric and barbara walter
Cathee178 (9:26:46 PM): *walters
LUCHIAAA (9:26:46 PM): HAHAH
LUCHIAAA (9:26:49 PM): ij'll be katie!
LUCHIAAA (9:26:53 PM): she has..pizazz
Cathee178 (9:27:11 PM): lol
Cathee178 (9:27:15 PM): ok
Cathee178 (9:27:18 PM): i'll be barbara
Cathee178 (9:27:21 PM): because when i'm old
Cathee178 (9:27:29 PM): i'll be like that probably
LUCHIAAA (9:27:41 PM): HAHAH
LUCHIAAA (9:30:34 PM): omg lets fuckign do itt!
LUCHIAAA (9:30:37 PM): we'll have brains adn fun!
Cathee178 (9:31:16 PM): what no beauty?
Cathee178 (9:31:22 PM): we are hot
LUCHIAAA (9:31:11 PM): HAHHA EW ARE HOTT
LUCHIAAA (9:31:20 PM): i just assumed it was automatically known
LUCHIAAA (9:31:30 PM): plus we're WAAAAY classier than merry cherry or whatever her name is
Cathee178 (9:31:56 PM): oh defeintly
Cathee178 (9:32:00 PM): i think she was a pornstar
LUCHIAAA (9:31:47 PM): HAHHA
LUCHIAAA (9:31:52 PM): we're CLASSY boards
LUCHIAAA (9:31:54 PM): broads*
LUCHIAAA (9:31:58 PM): theres a different
Cathee178 (9:32:37 PM): mhmm
Cathee178 (9:32:39 PM): huge
Cathee178 (9:32:40 PM): its like
Cathee178 (9:32:50 PM): ice cream vs. rocks
Cathee178 (9:32:54 PM): you just can't compare
LUCHIAAA (9:32:44 PM): you really cant
LUCHIAAA (9:32:46 PM): its like
LUCHIAAA (9:32:49 PM): diamonds and rhinestones