Two emails. I received them by mistake. Wow.
I'm so glad I didn't set my hopes on anything at all.
It's kind of ridiculous to dream of someone who'll never do the same for you.
Not kind of ridiculous. It's sad and pathetic.
I should make an indie film about it. I'd win an Oscar.
It would be subtle, funny, tear-jerking, heart wrenching....
He's such a ...I don't know the word....douchebag?
No. It's not him. It's me. I'm obsessed or something creepy like that.
Alls I know is he's my type-ish, but I'm not his.
But that's okay with me. I've learned that there are plenty of interesting, philosophical guys out there. Just waiting. And unlike him...these guys will be crazy about ME. That's why in the end, I'm happy I have Evan. Our relationship might not be perfect. No I don't connect with him on those deep, philosophical, heart to heart levels. At least he's honest, and he actually likes me, and he's true.
So should I cut off all communication and never look back?
I'll think about it.
31.1.08
29.1.08
What was I thinking?
Okay, yeah...so the dust is settling, and I'm beginning to go back to where I was before I was stabbed with that bare bodkin of his (no pun intended). I question him, I question my feelings for him... I'm back at square 1.5
At least I've found out exactly what type of guy I'm into though: Deep guys. The really smart ones who like to philosophize and and can talk about anything. Ones that if you let them talk, can go forever, but who'll also get you involved in the conversation. Guy's with conversational arete, if you will. The downside of this type of guy is that those take a while to grow up. They are free spirits who likely won't settle down until they're like... 30+, possibly even 40+. I hope I'm wrong about that though.
At least I've found out exactly what type of guy I'm into though: Deep guys. The really smart ones who like to philosophize and and can talk about anything. Ones that if you let them talk, can go forever, but who'll also get you involved in the conversation. Guy's with conversational arete, if you will. The downside of this type of guy is that those take a while to grow up. They are free spirits who likely won't settle down until they're like... 30+, possibly even 40+. I hope I'm wrong about that though.
You can't bring it with you
Today I came to the realization that I Mr. Ramon is right. I have been in denial for a while about something. I keep wanting to thing that I am a person who has transcended the world, who has surpassed the superficial and lives and hungers for the spiritual. It ironically took the last person I would expect to tell me this for me to see my own materialism.
As I walked home from school today, I had this strange urge to look behind me--like someone told me to turn around. Zaid. He was running to catch the light, some 100 yards away. I decided to wait for him to catch up, and walked with him. Earlier we had been talking about some deep stuff; knowledge as something that brings us closer to the divine, and the grandeur of the universe. The primary difference between us that was that he saw things by means of getting high on marijuana, while I saw them through Christianity.
"Catherine, see there are two types of people: people who live in the physical world, and people who live in the mental world"
"So which am I?"
"You still live in the physical world."
"How do you know?"
"I just do, based on the way you say things and the words you choose."
"Can you explain it to me?"
"Well, not really. I don't want to insult you or anything."
"I think you're wrong about me. I'm a Pentecostal Christian who speaks in tongues and everything, so if that's not living in the mental/spiritual realm, then I don't know what is."
At that point he had to leave. As I walked the rest of the way home, it hit me.
I live for this world. I don't want to, but it's as if I can't help it. All the values of this world have been drilled into me since I left the womb. Success is the best revenge, make lots of money, be goal oriented, get into a good college, money is good, strive to be beautiful, strive to be the best, do what makes you happy. That's been the philosophy I live by,regardless of my belief in God. Yet so many times I have heard that that is not what being a Christian is about. Jesus parables about how we can't take any of what we have with us beyond the grave/into heaven, are littered throughout the New Testament, not to mention the book of Ecclesiastes.
My self worth feels like it hinges on my economic success, and whether people like/praise what I do. Most of me feels like that isn't a bad thing.
Zaid, Elijah, Pali...that all seem to dream of living the same type of life: roam aimlessly about the country/world, and just see everything you can possibly see. Maybe it has something to to with being a guy. Look at Hamlet. The young guys, Laertes and Hamlet both want to get away, and travel. They want to find themselves. Meanwhile, Ophelia just wants to be loved. The interesting part of the Laertes and Hamlet is that when they come back from their adventures (Laertes from Paris, and Hamlet from being kidnapped by Pirates) both act like men. Laertes is still a dumbass, he actively tries to be a man. Hamlet, unlike Laertes, has truly achieved self awareness/self actualization. Boys need those journeys on their own to become men. Women, in contrast, merely want comfort, security, and love.
I guess I also want adventure though. But I want love most of all, and because of that, making money, getting an education and becoming a complete individual are my biggest priorities. I don't want to have to sacrifice my happiness with a man who I might truly love, simply for my own financial security. I want LOVE. I don't want a sugar daddy. That's why I live of this world. It's very scary to let go. Hopefully, one day, I'll finally be ready.
As I walked home from school today, I had this strange urge to look behind me--like someone told me to turn around. Zaid. He was running to catch the light, some 100 yards away. I decided to wait for him to catch up, and walked with him. Earlier we had been talking about some deep stuff; knowledge as something that brings us closer to the divine, and the grandeur of the universe. The primary difference between us that was that he saw things by means of getting high on marijuana, while I saw them through Christianity.
"Catherine, see there are two types of people: people who live in the physical world, and people who live in the mental world"
"So which am I?"
"You still live in the physical world."
"How do you know?"
"I just do, based on the way you say things and the words you choose."
"Can you explain it to me?"
"Well, not really. I don't want to insult you or anything."
"I think you're wrong about me. I'm a Pentecostal Christian who speaks in tongues and everything, so if that's not living in the mental/spiritual realm, then I don't know what is."
At that point he had to leave. As I walked the rest of the way home, it hit me.
I live for this world. I don't want to, but it's as if I can't help it. All the values of this world have been drilled into me since I left the womb. Success is the best revenge, make lots of money, be goal oriented, get into a good college, money is good, strive to be beautiful, strive to be the best, do what makes you happy. That's been the philosophy I live by,regardless of my belief in God. Yet so many times I have heard that that is not what being a Christian is about. Jesus parables about how we can't take any of what we have with us beyond the grave/into heaven, are littered throughout the New Testament, not to mention the book of Ecclesiastes.
My self worth feels like it hinges on my economic success, and whether people like/praise what I do. Most of me feels like that isn't a bad thing.
Zaid, Elijah, Pali...that all seem to dream of living the same type of life: roam aimlessly about the country/world, and just see everything you can possibly see. Maybe it has something to to with being a guy. Look at Hamlet. The young guys, Laertes and Hamlet both want to get away, and travel. They want to find themselves. Meanwhile, Ophelia just wants to be loved. The interesting part of the Laertes and Hamlet is that when they come back from their adventures (Laertes from Paris, and Hamlet from being kidnapped by Pirates) both act like men. Laertes is still a dumbass, he actively tries to be a man. Hamlet, unlike Laertes, has truly achieved self awareness/self actualization. Boys need those journeys on their own to become men. Women, in contrast, merely want comfort, security, and love.
I guess I also want adventure though. But I want love most of all, and because of that, making money, getting an education and becoming a complete individual are my biggest priorities. I don't want to have to sacrifice my happiness with a man who I might truly love, simply for my own financial security. I want LOVE. I don't want a sugar daddy. That's why I live of this world. It's very scary to let go. Hopefully, one day, I'll finally be ready.
28.1.08
Sandy Waters
Have you ever kicked the sand at the beach when the water is clear and you can see the bottom? That's what just happened. What are the odds he would pop up again and kick my sand? I can't see the bottom anymore.
I hunted for treasure on the sea floor, and found nothing but an empty vastness of sand. Suddenly my vision is cluttered and I feel like there is hope yet to find that buried treasure. I like the hope, but I wonder if as I search in the murky water, that I'll lose it. I fear that as the sand settles again, I'll remember that vast emptiness of settled sand. And that that's how things will stay.
I can't lose hope. That gold is out there, somewhere. I just need to dig.
I hunted for treasure on the sea floor, and found nothing but an empty vastness of sand. Suddenly my vision is cluttered and I feel like there is hope yet to find that buried treasure. I like the hope, but I wonder if as I search in the murky water, that I'll lose it. I fear that as the sand settles again, I'll remember that vast emptiness of settled sand. And that that's how things will stay.
I can't lose hope. That gold is out there, somewhere. I just need to dig.
24.1.08
I miss you
Considering the facts, it's hard to believe I'd miss you.
After you hurt me, and left things out, I still can't believe I haven't moved on
Yet I have. Our new kisses, filled with two young lover's passion, numbeth my heart with exuberance.
How do I still think fondly on you?
I distinctly recall sitting with you at the chair as discoursed we of higher forms.
We laughed. I've never spoken to a man the same way as did I you.
Why didst thou cause me injury?
Woe. Drowning in myself, I gasp for a breath of you, and find none.
I could search for you. But I shan't, for our love has long been stale.
The flavor, once refreshing and warm, now dull, cold.
I miss you. Truly I do. But do I want you again?
No.
I just want someone who'll make me feel the same.
After you hurt me, and left things out, I still can't believe I haven't moved on
Yet I have. Our new kisses, filled with two young lover's passion, numbeth my heart with exuberance.
How do I still think fondly on you?
I distinctly recall sitting with you at the chair as discoursed we of higher forms.
We laughed. I've never spoken to a man the same way as did I you.
Why didst thou cause me injury?
Woe. Drowning in myself, I gasp for a breath of you, and find none.
I could search for you. But I shan't, for our love has long been stale.
The flavor, once refreshing and warm, now dull, cold.
I miss you. Truly I do. But do I want you again?
No.
I just want someone who'll make me feel the same.
23.1.08
Identity Crisis
So it seems I find myself writing in this blog only when I feel depressed or troubled. Well, here I am writing, and guess what--I am very confused.
Today we watched that sex ed play at school they have every year called "What goes around", and I found it funny. I honestly laughed at the jokes the first (and second time around), but then everyone in my English class said it was stupid, insulting, and that it trivialized the serious matter that is sexual education. When I asked Mr. Ramon what was wrong with me he said that I'm in denial and repression of something. I thought he was joking and laughed, but then he said he was serious.
Maybe I take what people say all too seriously, but quite frankly, it bothers me. There is so much I'm trying to figure out about what I want from my life in the future, that I would merely like to be mentally stable enough to figure things out. Yet, I must make all my decisions through the lens of my mental state--whatever that may be. How do I figure out where I am?
Perhaps by figuring out what I am not:
I do not hear voices in my head aside from my conscience.
I do not have multiple personalities.
I never hallucinate.
Therefore I am not schizophrenic.
I remember basically everything that happens (within the limits of any rational being)
I don't like to offend people.
I do not like confrontation.
I don't do violence.
Therefore I am harmless?
I am not a genius.
I am not taller than average.
I am not shorter than average.
I am not beautiful
I am not ugly
I am definitely not an atheist.
I don't have down syndrome.
I am not socially retarded (in the literal sense).
Therefore I am of a religious person of average intelligence, height, and appearance.
I do not disagree with all Republicans.
I do not disagree with all Democrats.
I don't think Ron Paul or Fred Thompson have a chance to with the election.
Therefore I am a moderate.
I am not an athlete.
I do not like people who call attention to themselves and offer my no reward (in other words I get nothing from paying attention to them except for a waste of my life)
I don't like it when people judge others with no regard for the idea that that other person did what they did thinking that what they did was right.
Today we watched that sex ed play at school they have every year called "What goes around", and I found it funny. I honestly laughed at the jokes the first (and second time around), but then everyone in my English class said it was stupid, insulting, and that it trivialized the serious matter that is sexual education. When I asked Mr. Ramon what was wrong with me he said that I'm in denial and repression of something. I thought he was joking and laughed, but then he said he was serious.
Maybe I take what people say all too seriously, but quite frankly, it bothers me. There is so much I'm trying to figure out about what I want from my life in the future, that I would merely like to be mentally stable enough to figure things out. Yet, I must make all my decisions through the lens of my mental state--whatever that may be. How do I figure out where I am?
Perhaps by figuring out what I am not:
I do not hear voices in my head aside from my conscience.
I do not have multiple personalities.
I never hallucinate.
Therefore I am not schizophrenic.
I remember basically everything that happens (within the limits of any rational being)
I don't like to offend people.
I do not like confrontation.
I don't do violence.
Therefore I am harmless?
I am not a genius.
I am not taller than average.
I am not shorter than average.
I am not beautiful
I am not ugly
I am definitely not an atheist.
I don't have down syndrome.
I am not socially retarded (in the literal sense).
Therefore I am of a religious person of average intelligence, height, and appearance.
I do not disagree with all Republicans.
I do not disagree with all Democrats.
I don't think Ron Paul or Fred Thompson have a chance to with the election.
Therefore I am a moderate.
I am not an athlete.
I do not like people who call attention to themselves and offer my no reward (in other words I get nothing from paying attention to them except for a waste of my life)
I don't like it when people judge others with no regard for the idea that that other person did what they did thinking that what they did was right.
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