29.1.08

You can't bring it with you

Today I came to the realization that I Mr. Ramon is right. I have been in denial for a while about something. I keep wanting to thing that I am a person who has transcended the world, who has surpassed the superficial and lives and hungers for the spiritual. It ironically took the last person I would expect to tell me this for me to see my own materialism.

As I walked home from school today, I had this strange urge to look behind me--like someone told me to turn around. Zaid. He was running to catch the light, some 100 yards away. I decided to wait for him to catch up, and walked with him. Earlier we had been talking about some deep stuff; knowledge as something that brings us closer to the divine, and the grandeur of the universe. The primary difference between us that was that he saw things by means of getting high on marijuana, while I saw them through Christianity.
"Catherine, see there are two types of people: people who live in the physical world, and people who live in the mental world"
"So which am I?"
"You still live in the physical world."
"How do you know?"
"I just do, based on the way you say things and the words you choose."
"Can you explain it to me?"
"Well, not really. I don't want to insult you or anything."
"I think you're wrong about me. I'm a Pentecostal Christian who speaks in tongues and everything, so if that's not living in the mental/spiritual realm, then I don't know what is."

At that point he had to leave. As I walked the rest of the way home, it hit me.

I live for this world. I don't want to, but it's as if I can't help it. All the values of this world have been drilled into me since I left the womb. Success is the best revenge, make lots of money, be goal oriented, get into a good college, money is good, strive to be beautiful, strive to be the best, do what makes you happy. That's been the philosophy I live by,regardless of my belief in God. Yet so many times I have heard that that is not what being a Christian is about. Jesus parables about how we can't take any of what we have with us beyond the grave/into heaven, are littered throughout the New Testament, not to mention the book of Ecclesiastes.

My self worth feels like it hinges on my economic success, and whether people like/praise what I do. Most of me feels like that isn't a bad thing.

Zaid, Elijah, Pali...that all seem to dream of living the same type of life: roam aimlessly about the country/world, and just see everything you can possibly see. Maybe it has something to to with being a guy. Look at Hamlet. The young guys, Laertes and Hamlet both want to get away, and travel. They want to find themselves. Meanwhile, Ophelia just wants to be loved. The interesting part of the Laertes and Hamlet is that when they come back from their adventures (Laertes from Paris, and Hamlet from being kidnapped by Pirates) both act like men. Laertes is still a dumbass, he actively tries to be a man. Hamlet, unlike Laertes, has truly achieved self awareness/self actualization. Boys need those journeys on their own to become men. Women, in contrast, merely want comfort, security, and love.

I guess I also want adventure though. But I want love most of all, and because of that, making money, getting an education and becoming a complete individual are my biggest priorities. I don't want to have to sacrifice my happiness with a man who I might truly love, simply for my own financial security. I want LOVE. I don't want a sugar daddy. That's why I live of this world. It's very scary to let go. Hopefully, one day, I'll finally be ready.

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