Everything's getting better...

Summer is finally beginning to take a reasonable shape. Although I'm not working on some unrealistic athletic goal, I finally am begining to get some sort of purpose for my days. The volunteer work provides some purpose, but what really get me up in the morning are my AP Government summer assignment and my songs. I have quite a few to learn. In fact its overwhelming. I enjoy the stress, though. I'm happier with stress than I am without it. I found a possible guy to fill the void. Not MY void that is. The void that is Granada's lack of singing males. =) Yay.

Depressing-ness

Why does the world hate me with passion? Why do people gossip? How is it that I somehow make people dislike me without even trying? I hate that the people who do care about me are leaving to college. The only people who really see me as a nice person and not someone they strongly dislike. I miss my trackies. I really do. Track and cross country were nearly drama-less. No one talked crap about anyone. We all just got along. Now, people are just plain mean. At the first sign of gossip people saying I said things, they RUN AWAY from me practically. If I'm being annoying, they should just tell me, and I'll stop. They shouldn't just block me wihtout informing me that they just don't feel like talking to me and why. I would much preffer being told what I did wrong than to be punished for my "actions".

I love track. I miss the old days. I miss the days when it was Richard and Andrea, and Kathleen, Maeve, Myonoway, and David and Jeff and Chris and all them, and Natalie and Krystal, and Marisa and Nina, Molly, Amanda, Sharon, Monica, Victoria and Audrey. I miss those rainy days on the track when we would be doing Coach Green's 1111, 1212, 1313, 1234, 1313, 1212, 1111 workout and we'd be tired out of our minds, and then maybe do an extra 45 second sprint for good measure. Those were the days. We were like a family.

In a sense I regret joining speech and drama at Granada. It opened whole new world of jealousy and gossips and crap that I didn't have to deal with before and I lost my bond with the people I care about; the bond that came from being tired as hell and trying your very best to win against yourself. On the track team, we didn't talk trash about eachother. When someone new would come along and they would start saying shit about someone else, we'd say to eachother "Oh look there's somebody who's obviously new and doesn't quite comprehend what this team is about." There was no room for gossip; only friendship. I want to cry, I miss it so much. I look back and I can only think one thing; those were some really great people, and I'm really glad to have known them.

Although I love performing, the things I hate are the narcissism, envy and cattiness of everyone who does it. If someone is better than yhou or threatening, its like people have this innate need to judge you. What you say is automatically misconstrued; taken the wrong way just because they can't accept that somebody might be a nice person; a human with feelings, who reacts to external forces and events and has a psyche just like they do.

Apathy...

You know that whole thing I was pumped about doing before...I've gotten lazy. I really don't feel like it anymore. I've been a little bit depressed recently. Practically full on nervous breakdown last night. Cried myself to sleep. No one in particular to blame. It was all just a compilation of emotion. All my unresolved pain from injuries past rising to the surface. It all just leads to my feeling rather hopeless. An old lady at the nursing home I now volunteer at said i wasn't much of a singer. That totally hurt my feelings/ego. After that I just had no motivation to do anything at all. I didn't want to run, didn't want to swim, didn't want to ride my bike anywhere, didn't want to sing, or dance...nothing. I just wanted to cry. Another old woman mentioned how boring life gets after a while. That just added to the feelings of absolute disparity I was experiencing. After that another old woman, by the name of Doris Meyers told me about her old boyfriend, for whom she had moved to California from Missouri. As she mentioned just that, her eyes watered and she almost cried. Oh to be in love. To experience love like that in life is amazingly beautiful. As well as completely depressing. SO thats why I cried myself to sleep last night and did not work out at all.

I can't wait till next year begins so i can just kinda start things over-ish. I'm sure that things will still be semi-crappy, but I just want to get this next year over with and start anew in a place that is not high school, without the drama, without the people who listen to gossip and the people who decide they probably hate you without having a conversation with you to get to know you better; I want to be in a new place with new, more mature people, where I can be more mature and have people know me for being that way.

SERIOSULY F*** YOU!

DON'T TELL ANYBODY ANYTHING. EVER. Not because then you'll miss everybody, but because everybody is an asshole. ESPECIALLY if people can hear you and not know SPECIFICALLY what you are saying.

I don't know why or how, but it seems people get together without my knowing and discuss all the conversations I have with them, compile a version of things I say so completely twisted wretched and thats the version they decide to tell whoever I am currently talking to. It's like a medley of absolute personality horror because they choose the worst sounding parts of it all. Gossip is like sausage!


GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I could just punch somebody right now. FUCKING FREEDOM OF SPEECH!!!! What happened to that??!?!?!?!! NOOOO. I can't have that freedom. People have to take my words and twist them. Take them completely out of context and remove the reasoning I had behind them and then spread it around like fucking butter. Yum. Creamy goodness. LIES. ALL OF THEM.

It happened with Andrew and it just happened AGAIN with someone else. Its like a certain SOMEBODY can't bare to see other people fucking happy.

Happy birthday world!! Since y'all seem to team up AGAINST ME, I have decided to keep my mouth COMPLETELY SHUT. TADAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!

Prepare for my wrath of fucking silence. It's my turn to listen to YOU and then stab YOU in the ASS. I don't know who that "you" is even, but I have an idea. I can just say that I trust virtually nobody right now. Okay, I do know who I trust. Two people. And NO ONE ELSE can know. Why? Because NO ONE ELSE UNDERSTANDS. Everyone is ready to pounce. Everyone wants to find things wrong with me and put them on display for the world. Everyone is eager to judge me.

You want to know the truth? The truth is I KNOW I can be narcissistic. I KNOW that sometimes I'm a little bit obsessive compulsive. I KNOW that I'm a little bit impulsive and say stupid things. Sometimes I say them to make people laugh. Maybe I'm not funny? Maybe I just piss people off and thats why they hate me enough to do what "they" do. I know I am not perfect. Why do people have to go and point that out to other people over and over again? YOU PEOPLE ARE NOT PERFECT EITHER!!!!!!!! NO ONE IS! Maybe no one tells those people that they are not perfect. You know why they don't? Its because SOME PEOPLE have the decency not to point out other people's mistakes and flaws and rub them all over the places and parade them about.

And lucky for the world, I don't have it in me to stab people in the back or make sausage out of the worst bits they say to ruin their relationships with other people.

Lovelife

Yesterday I was asked "So you're single? How's your lovelife?", and I had no real answer. The only words that came to mind were "ummm...dead-ish?, comatose?, in a catatonic trance-like state? My lovelife is kind of like Terri Shiavo? Sleeping Beauty? Not quite dead yet..." Which is kind of sad. Honestly speaking, however, I think love is about timing. Why? Because you have to meet the right person at the right time. There are lots of wonderful amazing people out there. It's just that you don't always meet them at a time when its convenient. For example, any amazing guy I meet now is pointless because he'll just be going away to college within the next year or so, or I'll be going off to college. Timing. Just another reason why I'm single. I'm the type of girl guys go for for long term relationships, not flings. And it's summer; the time for flings. In college I'll probably do better.

One can't just look at the term "lovelife" in such a narrow sense. On a broader spectrum, my lovelife is amazing. Why? Because I love my life. I love my family, I love my friends, and most of all, I love God. I'm in love with life, and I love that!

I weighed myself today, 119 lbs, 14% body fat. I'm kinda happy because that means I've put on a lot of muscle. I went for a super long run today; 45 minutes! Well, actually 30 minutes with a one minute break to stretch, then 15 more minutes. Unfortunately that was only like 4.1 miles. So I need to pick up my pace. I think next run I'll do some intervals. I did feel stronger though, so the swim/bike/run combo is working. Yay!

Swim workout #2

So today I did my second swim workout. I still felt like crap afterwards, but less so today than Tuesday. I didn't feel exactly like puking afterwards, but I did feel like I had just barfed up my intestines and then put them back in all quivery and jello-like.

Tommorow biking again. I will go straight up Wilbur and Rinaldi and back home. I feel the burn already.

I miss talking to the boy who I was talking to a week or so ago. Perhaps I will call him. Hopefully he is still interested in me.

Super Sister!!!

Lol, that sounds like a flying nun. I am the protector of my younger friends, warning them of the dangers of ho's and sexually transmitted diseases, and cock-blocking when need be. I feel special.

In other news, I weigh 118 lbs, and have 14% body fat. I ate a quesadilla, a peanut butter sandwich, rice, chicken, chocolate cake, salad, more rice, beef, banana and an apple today. I rode my rickety old red bike for 30 minutes. That was fun. When I went uphil, it burnt, but downhill was like a break. I think next time I'll just ride for half an hour or so straight uphill, then ride back down hill another half hour or so on the way home. Seems like it would be a harder work out. I got a little sweaty, but not too much.

Tommorow I've got swim practice. I need to find somewhere to swim that is not my back yard pool. Its like 13 meters long, so one lap of 25 is one there and back. That's doable, but once I get to doing longer laps, it will be a pain in the behind. So that is on my to do list.

Tommorow I want to take pics of me in a swimsuit. I hope I get the chance to. I need to set bait for those fish to bite...errrm I mean guys...hehehe ;)

A Grain of Sand

I'm finally learning, I think, to take things with the importance of a grain of sand. The fun excitement of meeting someone new has faded away now that he is no longer making hte initiative to talk to me. I would like to think he's waiting for me. However when I tried to make conversation the other day, I promptly took the hint that this was not the case when he was rather unnattentive when speaking to me. Now, rather than go into fully nervous breakdown mode, I am simply moving on with my life, setting goals and taking up new hobbies.

New hobby? Yes. I have decided I want to do a triathlon. The LA Triathlon to be specific. September 9th 2007. Swim 0.4 miles, Bike 20 miles, Run 3.1 mile. It begins at Venice Beach and ends at the Staples Center. Its a little bit intimidating, but I like setting high goals for myself. I have a 12 week training plan that should help me get int oshape so that I can at least complete it. That is all I want; to complete the race. I think the most difficult part will be the transition from being a runner to swimming.

I did a swim work out yesterday. 8 x 25meter repeats, with 10 seconds rest in between, and 100 meter woarm up + cool down. My work out guide says its to build a base. It was a pretty tough work out for me. I started out splashing all about, but by the end of the work out, I was splashing a lot less. It really tired me out. Afterwards I felt a strange combination of hunger and nausea I have never quite felt before. When I run I get the nausea, but never the hunger. SO it was a new and ironic feeling for me.

I woke up with soreness in the back of my left knee, ate two bowls of oatmeal while watching the Daily Show, then watched the sex episode of Tyra, and then went out for a day of fun with Jesse. We saw Knocked Up, which was VERY funny I highly reccomend it, then I ate a hot dog pretzel and an almond pretzel, followed by a chiliburger and fries from Tommie's. I was very full.

Why am I eating so much? Since I have decided to take up triathloning, I worry I will with away into a nonexistant twig. Therefore, I have decided to try to gain whatever weight I can when I can because I will burn it off anyway. Hopefully I can maintain a healthy weight somewhere in the realm of 124 lbs. I need to gain some, though, because at the moment I only weigh 115. So there ya go!

Night! Oooo I need to catch up on my cycling training tommorow!