Sacred Romance: The Geography and Wounds of my Heart

It's written that we all have this inner voice...one that tells us our life feels empty, one that longs for adventure and love. That voice is the Lord's voice speaking to us through our hearts, that works within us to draw us closer to him. However, as we grow out, we block out that inner voice, and numb our hearts. As we age, our hearts suffer the slings and arrows of life and we become heartless people, going through life in our routines of work and sleep.

Where in the geography of my heart did I find the magic that coerces me to believe in God? How much I love my Daddy--I have to admit that was incredibly magical for me when I was little. I loved my Mommy too, but I was distinctly closer to my Daddy when I was tiny because he took me to the zoo ever Friday, and he'd dance with me in the evenings when Mommy was at night school. Mommy worked longer hours, and on Saturdays, so I didn't see her as much. I was Daddy's daughter. That's where the magic lies in my heart. It's a place in my memory that I can always go to when I'm sad and it'll bring me to tears with melancholy joy. My first word was happy, and I said it while playing with building blocks with my Daddy on a Saturday night. My first sentence was "I love you" and I said it while I was in one of those little backpacks for toddlers when we were riding the Ingo bike my uncle made. I just whispered it softly in his ear. I remember holding his big, calloused index finger while we walked around the neighborhood, stopping to smell every single flower I saw. I didn't need to be told or explained what love is. I just knew, and I knew I loved my Daddy. He was my favorite person in the world. I wanted to marry him. LOL. I remember saying that to my nanny. Of course I didn't know what marriage meant (that had to be explained to me). Magic lay in feeling loved, accepted, valued and approved of by my family. I felt like we were happy, and I dreamed of my own happily ever after. I thought things would never change, that my family would always love each other. Of course back then I had no idea that divorce existed. My uncle Peter would come visit with my cousins, and he'd bring his crazy bikes, and I thought that was soooo amazing. I remember one of my happiest days as a child happened when I was 8 and we all went to the beach for the day. We played in the waves and collected moonstones at Will Rogers. Those events filled my heart with magical happiness. I had what hearts long for: intimacy and adventure.

Then came the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Rejection, gossip, pain. When I entered school I faced conflicting priorities: if I did well in school I could be my parent's pride and joy, but my classmates would treat me like an outcast for being a smartypants and a goody goody, OR if I placed acceptance of my peers above my parents, I could get into trouble and
do badly on purpose so people would like me, but have my parents be very frustrated with me.
I chose the former, and as a result grew up into a bit of a clingy loner, trying as hard as possible to keep the friends I make.

More slings and arrows: my Dad and his brother stopped talking to one another and I stopped seeing my cousins. One of my aunts basically cut herself off from the family, and stopped caring about me. Boys came into the picture, and none of them seemed to like me. I was too unattractive, skinny, super-smart, weird, dorky, nerdy. Finally I found love...but that inevitably ended, as I we were only 14 and it wasn't really love (it sure felt like it though). Then I fell in love again, with a statuesque young man, with a heart of gold. We were good friends, but he broke my heart when i found out that while I was in love with him, he was deeply in love with another girl. I couldn't do a thing about it except cry. It seemed to be the biggest arrow in my heart to date. Never before had I felt love so intense for somebody, yet this love ended, and it never was quite mutual. I woke up everyday, and faced the idea that love was a commodity like sex or anything, I could love anybody because clearly, if this intense love can just be thrown away and disregarded, it can't be worth much. My heart died. Romance and magic were replaced by lust, and ambition. I filled my time and thoughts with the goals of getting into the most prestigious universities and theater programs around he country.

Auditions

Me oh my. Auditions are finally over, and I say, "THANK GOD!!!"

I didn't do as well at CMU as I wish I had. I woke up with no voice this morning, and gradually it came back just long enough for me to do my audition, and then it went away. I was warming up in the waiting room, and the girls who were listening outside were green with envy at my ability to both do classical and belt Defying Gravity. According to my mom, they were saying "Oh my gosh listen to that girl she's gonna use up her voice for the audition." Honestly, what do they know? Voice isn't like water. You can't use it up if you know how to use it RIGHT. End of story. I have been taught by not one, but TWO teachers, the correct ways of using the voice, so I know how to belt correctly. I had to do the defying gravity to warm up my belt voice for the audition. THEY were not warming up their voices. I'm so lucky I warmed up my belt too, since I was doing Gimme Gimme. If I hadn't warmed up, I might have cracked.

Dance was a disaster for me. I just felt really insecure, and I know I wasn't all vibrant and smiley. I was nervous, and very concentrated on doing it right.

The acting part went best. It went smoothly, and the guy liked my monologue. He said it was cute and quirky.

Honestly I think if I get into CMU it will be in the Acting part of it, not the singing. But that's okay. CMU is CMU, and I hear you can always reaudition for the musical theatre if you do make it into the acting part. =)

outside of that, I had a lot of fun. I made some friends. One straight guy who was quite the flirt, named Ben, one gay guy named Charles Peoples, and a girl, and I forgot her name! AHHH!! Ooops. But she was nice. =) I feel bad though...ben is gonna see on my facebook that I'm in a relationship and be like oh poo. lol
Oh well!

Stage Names

Catherine + Composer= My stage name.

French Names
Catherine Massenet
Catherine Gounod
Catherine Bizet
Catherine Godard
Catherine Debussy
Catherine Ibert

Italian Names
Catherine Cavalieri
Catherine Monteverdi
Catherine Allegri
Catherine Lully
Catherine Scarlatti
Catherine Alberti
Catherine Bon
Catherine Viotti
Catherine Cherubini

English Names
Catherine Ellis
Catherine Purcell
Catherine Balfe
Catherine Davey
Catherine O'Riada
Catherine Trench
Catherine Field

Other Names
Catherine Granados
Catherine Harper
Catherine Opperman



Decisions, decisions...

God is good

He puts us in the right place at the right time. Always. I never thought of it that way.

If you just look at life through that lens, life feels a lot better. You can relax and do your thing, and stop worrying. I don't need to worry anymore. Whatever happens to me happens because it's supposed to happen that way. I'm always in the right place at the right time.

HOLD IT....!

Two emails. I received them by mistake. Wow.

I'm so glad I didn't set my hopes on anything at all.

It's kind of ridiculous to dream of someone who'll never do the same for you.

Not kind of ridiculous. It's sad and pathetic.

I should make an indie film about it. I'd win an Oscar.

It would be subtle, funny, tear-jerking, heart wrenching....

He's such a ...I don't know the word....douchebag?

No. It's not him. It's me. I'm obsessed or something creepy like that.

Alls I know is he's my type-ish, but I'm not his.


But that's okay with me. I've learned that there are plenty of interesting, philosophical guys out there. Just waiting. And unlike him...these guys will be crazy about ME. That's why in the end, I'm happy I have Evan. Our relationship might not be perfect. No I don't connect with him on those deep, philosophical, heart to heart levels. At least he's honest, and he actually likes me, and he's true.

So should I cut off all communication and never look back?

I'll think about it.

What was I thinking?

Okay, yeah...so the dust is settling, and I'm beginning to go back to where I was before I was stabbed with that bare bodkin of his (no pun intended). I question him, I question my feelings for him... I'm back at square 1.5

At least I've found out exactly what type of guy I'm into though: Deep guys. The really smart ones who like to philosophize and and can talk about anything. Ones that if you let them talk, can go forever, but who'll also get you involved in the conversation. Guy's with conversational arete, if you will. The downside of this type of guy is that those take a while to grow up. They are free spirits who likely won't settle down until they're like... 30+, possibly even 40+. I hope I'm wrong about that though.

You can't bring it with you

Today I came to the realization that I Mr. Ramon is right. I have been in denial for a while about something. I keep wanting to thing that I am a person who has transcended the world, who has surpassed the superficial and lives and hungers for the spiritual. It ironically took the last person I would expect to tell me this for me to see my own materialism.

As I walked home from school today, I had this strange urge to look behind me--like someone told me to turn around. Zaid. He was running to catch the light, some 100 yards away. I decided to wait for him to catch up, and walked with him. Earlier we had been talking about some deep stuff; knowledge as something that brings us closer to the divine, and the grandeur of the universe. The primary difference between us that was that he saw things by means of getting high on marijuana, while I saw them through Christianity.
"Catherine, see there are two types of people: people who live in the physical world, and people who live in the mental world"
"So which am I?"
"You still live in the physical world."
"How do you know?"
"I just do, based on the way you say things and the words you choose."
"Can you explain it to me?"
"Well, not really. I don't want to insult you or anything."
"I think you're wrong about me. I'm a Pentecostal Christian who speaks in tongues and everything, so if that's not living in the mental/spiritual realm, then I don't know what is."

At that point he had to leave. As I walked the rest of the way home, it hit me.

I live for this world. I don't want to, but it's as if I can't help it. All the values of this world have been drilled into me since I left the womb. Success is the best revenge, make lots of money, be goal oriented, get into a good college, money is good, strive to be beautiful, strive to be the best, do what makes you happy. That's been the philosophy I live by,regardless of my belief in God. Yet so many times I have heard that that is not what being a Christian is about. Jesus parables about how we can't take any of what we have with us beyond the grave/into heaven, are littered throughout the New Testament, not to mention the book of Ecclesiastes.

My self worth feels like it hinges on my economic success, and whether people like/praise what I do. Most of me feels like that isn't a bad thing.

Zaid, Elijah, Pali...that all seem to dream of living the same type of life: roam aimlessly about the country/world, and just see everything you can possibly see. Maybe it has something to to with being a guy. Look at Hamlet. The young guys, Laertes and Hamlet both want to get away, and travel. They want to find themselves. Meanwhile, Ophelia just wants to be loved. The interesting part of the Laertes and Hamlet is that when they come back from their adventures (Laertes from Paris, and Hamlet from being kidnapped by Pirates) both act like men. Laertes is still a dumbass, he actively tries to be a man. Hamlet, unlike Laertes, has truly achieved self awareness/self actualization. Boys need those journeys on their own to become men. Women, in contrast, merely want comfort, security, and love.

I guess I also want adventure though. But I want love most of all, and because of that, making money, getting an education and becoming a complete individual are my biggest priorities. I don't want to have to sacrifice my happiness with a man who I might truly love, simply for my own financial security. I want LOVE. I don't want a sugar daddy. That's why I live of this world. It's very scary to let go. Hopefully, one day, I'll finally be ready.

Sandy Waters

Have you ever kicked the sand at the beach when the water is clear and you can see the bottom? That's what just happened. What are the odds he would pop up again and kick my sand? I can't see the bottom anymore.

I hunted for treasure on the sea floor, and found nothing but an empty vastness of sand. Suddenly my vision is cluttered and I feel like there is hope yet to find that buried treasure. I like the hope, but I wonder if as I search in the murky water, that I'll lose it. I fear that as the sand settles again, I'll remember that vast emptiness of settled sand. And that that's how things will stay.



I can't lose hope. That gold is out there, somewhere. I just need to dig.

I miss you

Considering the facts, it's hard to believe I'd miss you.
After you hurt me, and left things out, I still can't believe I haven't moved on
Yet I have. Our new kisses, filled with two young lover's passion, numbeth my heart with exuberance.

How do I still think fondly on you?

I distinctly recall sitting with you at the chair as discoursed we of higher forms.
We laughed. I've never spoken to a man the same way as did I you.
Why didst thou cause me injury?

Woe. Drowning in myself, I gasp for a breath of you, and find none.
I could search for you. But I shan't, for our love has long been stale.
The flavor, once refreshing and warm, now dull, cold.

I miss you. Truly I do. But do I want you again?

No.

I just want someone who'll make me feel the same.

Identity Crisis

So it seems I find myself writing in this blog only when I feel depressed or troubled. Well, here I am writing, and guess what--I am very confused.

Today we watched that sex ed play at school they have every year called "What goes around", and I found it funny. I honestly laughed at the jokes the first (and second time around), but then everyone in my English class said it was stupid, insulting, and that it trivialized the serious matter that is sexual education. When I asked Mr. Ramon what was wrong with me he said that I'm in denial and repression of something. I thought he was joking and laughed, but then he said he was serious.

Maybe I take what people say all too seriously, but quite frankly, it bothers me. There is so much I'm trying to figure out about what I want from my life in the future, that I would merely like to be mentally stable enough to figure things out. Yet, I must make all my decisions through the lens of my mental state--whatever that may be. How do I figure out where I am?

Perhaps by figuring out what I am not:

I do not hear voices in my head aside from my conscience.
I do not have multiple personalities.
I never hallucinate.

Therefore I am not schizophrenic.

I remember basically everything that happens (within the limits of any rational being)
I don't like to offend people.
I do not like confrontation.
I don't do violence.

Therefore I am harmless?


I am not a genius.
I am not taller than average.
I am not shorter than average.
I am not beautiful
I am not ugly
I am definitely not an atheist.
I don't have down syndrome.
I am not socially retarded (in the literal sense).

Therefore I am of a religious person of average intelligence, height, and appearance.

I do not disagree with all Republicans.
I do not disagree with all Democrats.
I don't think Ron Paul or Fred Thompson have a chance to with the election.

Therefore I am a moderate.

I am not an athlete.
I do not like people who call attention to themselves and offer my no reward (in other words I get nothing from paying attention to them except for a waste of my life)
I don't like it when people judge others with no regard for the idea that that other person did what they did thinking that what they did was right.