Have you ever kicked the sand at the beach when the water is clear and you can see the bottom? That's what just happened. What are the odds he would pop up again and kick my sand? I can't see the bottom anymore.
I hunted for treasure on the sea floor, and found nothing but an empty vastness of sand. Suddenly my vision is cluttered and I feel like there is hope yet to find that buried treasure. I like the hope, but I wonder if as I search in the murky water, that I'll lose it. I fear that as the sand settles again, I'll remember that vast emptiness of settled sand. And that that's how things will stay.
I can't lose hope. That gold is out there, somewhere. I just need to dig.
28.1.08
24.1.08
I miss you
Considering the facts, it's hard to believe I'd miss you.
After you hurt me, and left things out, I still can't believe I haven't moved on
Yet I have. Our new kisses, filled with two young lover's passion, numbeth my heart with exuberance.
How do I still think fondly on you?
I distinctly recall sitting with you at the chair as discoursed we of higher forms.
We laughed. I've never spoken to a man the same way as did I you.
Why didst thou cause me injury?
Woe. Drowning in myself, I gasp for a breath of you, and find none.
I could search for you. But I shan't, for our love has long been stale.
The flavor, once refreshing and warm, now dull, cold.
I miss you. Truly I do. But do I want you again?
No.
I just want someone who'll make me feel the same.
After you hurt me, and left things out, I still can't believe I haven't moved on
Yet I have. Our new kisses, filled with two young lover's passion, numbeth my heart with exuberance.
How do I still think fondly on you?
I distinctly recall sitting with you at the chair as discoursed we of higher forms.
We laughed. I've never spoken to a man the same way as did I you.
Why didst thou cause me injury?
Woe. Drowning in myself, I gasp for a breath of you, and find none.
I could search for you. But I shan't, for our love has long been stale.
The flavor, once refreshing and warm, now dull, cold.
I miss you. Truly I do. But do I want you again?
No.
I just want someone who'll make me feel the same.
23.1.08
Identity Crisis
So it seems I find myself writing in this blog only when I feel depressed or troubled. Well, here I am writing, and guess what--I am very confused.
Today we watched that sex ed play at school they have every year called "What goes around", and I found it funny. I honestly laughed at the jokes the first (and second time around), but then everyone in my English class said it was stupid, insulting, and that it trivialized the serious matter that is sexual education. When I asked Mr. Ramon what was wrong with me he said that I'm in denial and repression of something. I thought he was joking and laughed, but then he said he was serious.
Maybe I take what people say all too seriously, but quite frankly, it bothers me. There is so much I'm trying to figure out about what I want from my life in the future, that I would merely like to be mentally stable enough to figure things out. Yet, I must make all my decisions through the lens of my mental state--whatever that may be. How do I figure out where I am?
Perhaps by figuring out what I am not:
I do not hear voices in my head aside from my conscience.
I do not have multiple personalities.
I never hallucinate.
Therefore I am not schizophrenic.
I remember basically everything that happens (within the limits of any rational being)
I don't like to offend people.
I do not like confrontation.
I don't do violence.
Therefore I am harmless?
I am not a genius.
I am not taller than average.
I am not shorter than average.
I am not beautiful
I am not ugly
I am definitely not an atheist.
I don't have down syndrome.
I am not socially retarded (in the literal sense).
Therefore I am of a religious person of average intelligence, height, and appearance.
I do not disagree with all Republicans.
I do not disagree with all Democrats.
I don't think Ron Paul or Fred Thompson have a chance to with the election.
Therefore I am a moderate.
I am not an athlete.
I do not like people who call attention to themselves and offer my no reward (in other words I get nothing from paying attention to them except for a waste of my life)
I don't like it when people judge others with no regard for the idea that that other person did what they did thinking that what they did was right.
Today we watched that sex ed play at school they have every year called "What goes around", and I found it funny. I honestly laughed at the jokes the first (and second time around), but then everyone in my English class said it was stupid, insulting, and that it trivialized the serious matter that is sexual education. When I asked Mr. Ramon what was wrong with me he said that I'm in denial and repression of something. I thought he was joking and laughed, but then he said he was serious.
Maybe I take what people say all too seriously, but quite frankly, it bothers me. There is so much I'm trying to figure out about what I want from my life in the future, that I would merely like to be mentally stable enough to figure things out. Yet, I must make all my decisions through the lens of my mental state--whatever that may be. How do I figure out where I am?
Perhaps by figuring out what I am not:
I do not hear voices in my head aside from my conscience.
I do not have multiple personalities.
I never hallucinate.
Therefore I am not schizophrenic.
I remember basically everything that happens (within the limits of any rational being)
I don't like to offend people.
I do not like confrontation.
I don't do violence.
Therefore I am harmless?
I am not a genius.
I am not taller than average.
I am not shorter than average.
I am not beautiful
I am not ugly
I am definitely not an atheist.
I don't have down syndrome.
I am not socially retarded (in the literal sense).
Therefore I am of a religious person of average intelligence, height, and appearance.
I do not disagree with all Republicans.
I do not disagree with all Democrats.
I don't think Ron Paul or Fred Thompson have a chance to with the election.
Therefore I am a moderate.
I am not an athlete.
I do not like people who call attention to themselves and offer my no reward (in other words I get nothing from paying attention to them except for a waste of my life)
I don't like it when people judge others with no regard for the idea that that other person did what they did thinking that what they did was right.
6.11.07
American as Apple Flan the UC version
Ay nako! I'm about as American as Apple Flan Cassava-- a tricultural fusion of desserts that would probably be a coconut apple custard in a pie crust with caramel on top. It combines the American dessert, Apple Pie, Nicaraguan dessert, Flan, and the Filipino dessert, Cassava. Like this dessert, I am also a bit of a cultural hybrid. Last Christmas, for example, my family and I danced Salsa and ate a dinner of traditional Nicaraguan and Uruguayan dishes, at my Tia Jannet's house; tia is Spanish for aunt. Then we drove to my Tita Vicki's Christmas party, where we sang Karaoke and played games while snacking on noodles. Tita is the Tagalog word for aunt, although it need not refer to anybody related to one by blood; Tita can refer to a close family friend. The following morning, we went to my Aunt Caroline's house where we quietly ate Grandma Wagner's Apple Pie and opened our gifts. Growing up half Nicaraguan, half German-American, and immersed in the Filipino culture of my mother's closest friends, I have developed a thorough awareness of human nature that allows me be an excellent communicator, and an understanding friend.
A common exclamatory expression in Tagalog, "Ay Nako!" is the equivalent "My gosh!". When I first heard the phrase used, confusion struck me; In Spanish, "nako" refers to a hick, so hearing the word in a different context seemed strange. Such oddities of language, do not phase me because I'm used to them. However, for my parents, differences in the meanings of words have always been a source of turmoil. I remember one incident in particular, when my dad, who is German-American, called my mom stupid, and told her to shut up because she was rambling about something. He did not use the words with a derogatory tone, but, upset, my mother shouted at him, deeply offended. He yelled back that she was getting angry over nothing, while my sister and I hid in my room, frightened, so we would not have to hear our parents fighting. Looking back, I see that what caused disagreements like this one was not my mother's sensitivity. Rather, the cultural difference in the meaning of my father's words triggered their argument. The word stupid, in Spanish, is considered extremely derogatory and unkind, but in English it is used very liberally to describe an action that makes no sense. Likewise, the phrase "Shut up" is derogatory in Spanish, but we use it as a inconsequential retort. Because I am aware of these particularities, I frequently act as an interpreter for my parents. Also, I know the importance of word choice when it comes to addressing people of different backgrounds, which makes me a precise, and sensitive communicator.
Along with my knowledge of cultural values through language, my bi-culturality has also given me a sense of class awareness. Because Nicaraguan immigrants compose half my family, I am very familiar with the odd jobs immigrants must take, and the difficulties Hispanic people face. When I told my parents I wanted to take voice lessons, they told me that if I wanted a decent teacher, my mother would have to clean a few houses every week to pay for the lessons. Since the money went towards me, I decided to help my mom with housekeeping whenever possible. By helping clean houses with my mother, I learned that the people we see as insignificant, and often look down upon in society, are very important. If a city's schoolteacher's disappeared for a month the city would be just fine. However, if the maintenance workers disappeared for a month, the city would be paralyzed. Although these jobs lack prestige, they are the stomach or neck of society. Also, on my Hispanic side, there are many young people with what you might call stereotypical dilemmas among Hispanic Americans. Two of my cousins are teen mothers, one cousin is the victim of domestic violence, another has substance abuse problems, and no one on that side of my family has gone to college . My experience caring for and encouraging people normally looked down upon makes me a compassionate person. Rather than judge people who live in these situations, I sympathize with them, and give them words of encouragement to overcome these hurdles.
Growing up a blend of cultures, I have become an understanding person and a cautious communicator. Exposure to these cultures has highlighted the similarities, rather than the differences among ethnic groups; human nature. I am not limited to merely knowing what makes Hispanic people tick, or what appeals to white America. Instead, I know what these groups have in common; the desire to love, to be loved, to laugh, and to be happy.
A common exclamatory expression in Tagalog, "Ay Nako!" is the equivalent "My gosh!". When I first heard the phrase used, confusion struck me; In Spanish, "nako" refers to a hick, so hearing the word in a different context seemed strange. Such oddities of language, do not phase me because I'm used to them. However, for my parents, differences in the meanings of words have always been a source of turmoil. I remember one incident in particular, when my dad, who is German-American, called my mom stupid, and told her to shut up because she was rambling about something. He did not use the words with a derogatory tone, but, upset, my mother shouted at him, deeply offended. He yelled back that she was getting angry over nothing, while my sister and I hid in my room, frightened, so we would not have to hear our parents fighting. Looking back, I see that what caused disagreements like this one was not my mother's sensitivity. Rather, the cultural difference in the meaning of my father's words triggered their argument. The word stupid, in Spanish, is considered extremely derogatory and unkind, but in English it is used very liberally to describe an action that makes no sense. Likewise, the phrase "Shut up" is derogatory in Spanish, but we use it as a inconsequential retort. Because I am aware of these particularities, I frequently act as an interpreter for my parents. Also, I know the importance of word choice when it comes to addressing people of different backgrounds, which makes me a precise, and sensitive communicator.
Along with my knowledge of cultural values through language, my bi-culturality has also given me a sense of class awareness. Because Nicaraguan immigrants compose half my family, I am very familiar with the odd jobs immigrants must take, and the difficulties Hispanic people face. When I told my parents I wanted to take voice lessons, they told me that if I wanted a decent teacher, my mother would have to clean a few houses every week to pay for the lessons. Since the money went towards me, I decided to help my mom with housekeeping whenever possible. By helping clean houses with my mother, I learned that the people we see as insignificant, and often look down upon in society, are very important. If a city's schoolteacher's disappeared for a month the city would be just fine. However, if the maintenance workers disappeared for a month, the city would be paralyzed. Although these jobs lack prestige, they are the stomach or neck of society. Also, on my Hispanic side, there are many young people with what you might call stereotypical dilemmas among Hispanic Americans. Two of my cousins are teen mothers, one cousin is the victim of domestic violence, another has substance abuse problems, and no one on that side of my family has gone to college . My experience caring for and encouraging people normally looked down upon makes me a compassionate person. Rather than judge people who live in these situations, I sympathize with them, and give them words of encouragement to overcome these hurdles.
Growing up a blend of cultures, I have become an understanding person and a cautious communicator. Exposure to these cultures has highlighted the similarities, rather than the differences among ethnic groups; human nature. I am not limited to merely knowing what makes Hispanic people tick, or what appeals to white America. Instead, I know what these groups have in common; the desire to love, to be loved, to laugh, and to be happy.
8.10.07
It's been a while
Today, at school, there was an assembly about kindness...about how one act of kindness could start a chain reaction. A message from beyond Rachel Joy Scott's grave. She was the first to die at Columbine. You'd think being kind would go without saying; the fact that it doesn't, speaks volumes.
I tried doing an extra act of kindness today. There was this lonely guy in the hallway a lunch, sitting alone, so I grabbed a friend and we went and talked to him. His name is Kevin, and he's in 11th grade. I couldn't tell if he was particularly affected by our gesture, he seemed more like the the type of person who enjoys being introspective. Still, I'm glad I gave making conversation a shot. Although, I do believe that if someone is sitting alone at Granada, its usually by choice, and if its not...there is probably a reason no one is his friend. Those types of thoughts are just too negative for me. I'd rather just go out of my way to be a little extra nice...even if it is redundant or silly.
Whenever my A.P. Government teacher stands over my shoulder, I can't think. It's very disconcerting, he probably does it on purpose because whenever he stands over me I get very awkward, my thoughts get jumbled up, I say stupid things, my foot twitches, the hair on the back of my neck stands up and I begin to feel like I'm overheating. It's not a sexual "hotness", its a nervous...wow-this-room-is-getting-kind-of-warm-isn't-it type fever. Why this happens is absolutely unknown to me. Usually, I have no sense of personal space; there must be something weird about him.
I haven't been able to stop thinking about ******* today. I have this feeling about him. My intuition indicates that he will play a defining role in my life. It's possible he's just a very influential friend. But, that defining role could very well be marriage, and when I consider that idea, my position remains ambiguous. I like not knowing, however. He's the best guy I've met, and if my future holds him, I'd be happy. I'm not even sure I could ask for a more virtuous man. Yet, I am aware of the low probability of this coming true, and it does not bother me at all. I feel strangely excited to meet the many potentials in college and beyond. Knowing what's out there will help me be happy with my decisions later, whatever they may be.
I was relieved to hear last night of some sort of girls problems in his life. I thought I would be jealous, but oddly enough, I'm not.
I have a dream last night. I was doing a kind of team assignment; a scavenger hunt, and we had to dress up like fruits for a presentation at a bank or a museum. I left my fruit costume in a locker at a building called Harvard. After a journey of many miles, across beaches and forests, I got to the museum where my team and I were meeting up, and remembered my costume; I forgot it at Harvard. I, then, had to make my way all the way back to Harvard, but I made a wrong turn and found myself in Africa. Strangely, the floor and dirt in Africa closely resembled giant relief type paintings of native tribal artwork. It recalled the dioramas in the Natural History Museum downtown, where I used to go on a regular basis as a child.
I have no clue what it means. I have a hunch the scavenger hunt symbolizes the journey of life, or the college application process, but after that I'm lost. If its the college application process, then the fruit costume might represent the guise other students present, which I have completely decided to shun; instead presenting them with a perfect, flawless candidate, I am showing off ME. With all my lovely faults. Yes, I may be flawed, but at least I'm truthful. In trying to attain the same sort of costume, or level playing field as the others, my brain seems to be indicating that I am going the wrong direction, or if not the wrong one, simply a different one. Africa is a wondrous place in my dream, not a desert-jungle disaster area. Rather than representing making a mistake by forgetting my costume, my ending up in Africa represents my journey taking me away from the rest of my group, to a place far more strange and amazing than I could have imagined.
That's just a hunch.
I tried doing an extra act of kindness today. There was this lonely guy in the hallway a lunch, sitting alone, so I grabbed a friend and we went and talked to him. His name is Kevin, and he's in 11th grade. I couldn't tell if he was particularly affected by our gesture, he seemed more like the the type of person who enjoys being introspective. Still, I'm glad I gave making conversation a shot. Although, I do believe that if someone is sitting alone at Granada, its usually by choice, and if its not...there is probably a reason no one is his friend. Those types of thoughts are just too negative for me. I'd rather just go out of my way to be a little extra nice...even if it is redundant or silly.
Whenever my A.P. Government teacher stands over my shoulder, I can't think. It's very disconcerting, he probably does it on purpose because whenever he stands over me I get very awkward, my thoughts get jumbled up, I say stupid things, my foot twitches, the hair on the back of my neck stands up and I begin to feel like I'm overheating. It's not a sexual "hotness", its a nervous...wow-this-room-is-getting-kind-of-warm-isn't-it type fever. Why this happens is absolutely unknown to me. Usually, I have no sense of personal space; there must be something weird about him.
I haven't been able to stop thinking about ******* today. I have this feeling about him. My intuition indicates that he will play a defining role in my life. It's possible he's just a very influential friend. But, that defining role could very well be marriage, and when I consider that idea, my position remains ambiguous. I like not knowing, however. He's the best guy I've met, and if my future holds him, I'd be happy. I'm not even sure I could ask for a more virtuous man. Yet, I am aware of the low probability of this coming true, and it does not bother me at all. I feel strangely excited to meet the many potentials in college and beyond. Knowing what's out there will help me be happy with my decisions later, whatever they may be.
I was relieved to hear last night of some sort of girls problems in his life. I thought I would be jealous, but oddly enough, I'm not.
I have a dream last night. I was doing a kind of team assignment; a scavenger hunt, and we had to dress up like fruits for a presentation at a bank or a museum. I left my fruit costume in a locker at a building called Harvard. After a journey of many miles, across beaches and forests, I got to the museum where my team and I were meeting up, and remembered my costume; I forgot it at Harvard. I, then, had to make my way all the way back to Harvard, but I made a wrong turn and found myself in Africa. Strangely, the floor and dirt in Africa closely resembled giant relief type paintings of native tribal artwork. It recalled the dioramas in the Natural History Museum downtown, where I used to go on a regular basis as a child.
I have no clue what it means. I have a hunch the scavenger hunt symbolizes the journey of life, or the college application process, but after that I'm lost. If its the college application process, then the fruit costume might represent the guise other students present, which I have completely decided to shun; instead presenting them with a perfect, flawless candidate, I am showing off ME. With all my lovely faults. Yes, I may be flawed, but at least I'm truthful. In trying to attain the same sort of costume, or level playing field as the others, my brain seems to be indicating that I am going the wrong direction, or if not the wrong one, simply a different one. Africa is a wondrous place in my dream, not a desert-jungle disaster area. Rather than representing making a mistake by forgetting my costume, my ending up in Africa represents my journey taking me away from the rest of my group, to a place far more strange and amazing than I could have imagined.
That's just a hunch.
10.8.07
Road Trip with Momma
This is my last weekend before senior year officially begins. Summer vacation is now over.
I iwll start off by telling you about my road trip with my mom through the central coast of California. It was beautiful. I navigated for my mom and she drove, and we witnesses some truly beautiful scenery. Who knew California was so beautiful? There is now no doubt in my mind that California is the best state in the nation. First there was the beautiful beaches, with their rolling waves, golden beaches and glistening waters. Since I am not a swimmer, my method of absorbing the beach was to run along the edge of the water. Although the air itself was also cold, the icy splashes of the water as my feet slammed into the wet sand still refreshed my body, the crisp, clean air cleansing my lungs from the valley's pollution. Then my sister and I decided to play "tag" with the waves running as close as we could to the big waves right before they broke and then running from them as fast as our legs could carry us, and we saw a seal or sea lion ( I can't tell the difference) poke its head out of the water and say hello. It didn't actually speak though. I'm just guessing that if it could speak human aka English, it would have said "Hello!" Since they live far from urban areas this one could have even said Good Day! , it definitely would not have said Whats up. Seals (except for Zoo seals) don't know slang terminology (although cool is old enough they might just know that one).
We also took a drive further North and took Tour one of Hearst Castle. It was very gaudy. Lots of stuff, and very colorful. It's got two amazing pools. I' would love to live there, although it would be lonely. and I think I' would be scared because it looks like that place you would see on one of those travel channel shows about ghosts.
In the hotel we saw the movie Thank You for Smoking, and let me tell you...it made me want to do Aaron Eckheart. i don't normally say that about actors. But let me tell you Aaron Eckheart is an exception. I don't even know why, he's not my usual type at all. I think I will need to search for a pentecostal Christian, Aaron Eckheart look alike who will be looking for a wife when I start looking for a husband, and settle for no less. Just watching him in movies, I start to drool a little bit. No joke.
Then we went to Santa Barbara and Santa Maria, where we attended a Pentecostal Church Revival. I thought some of the old white men there were congressmen, but then Scott just informed me that they were church elders or something like that. I spoke in tongues and received the infilling of the Holy Spirit. That was exciting and insane. I want to do it again next year. I also need to call Scott sometime and talk to him. Maybe next weekend.
I iwll start off by telling you about my road trip with my mom through the central coast of California. It was beautiful. I navigated for my mom and she drove, and we witnesses some truly beautiful scenery. Who knew California was so beautiful? There is now no doubt in my mind that California is the best state in the nation. First there was the beautiful beaches, with their rolling waves, golden beaches and glistening waters. Since I am not a swimmer, my method of absorbing the beach was to run along the edge of the water. Although the air itself was also cold, the icy splashes of the water as my feet slammed into the wet sand still refreshed my body, the crisp, clean air cleansing my lungs from the valley's pollution. Then my sister and I decided to play "tag" with the waves running as close as we could to the big waves right before they broke and then running from them as fast as our legs could carry us, and we saw a seal or sea lion ( I can't tell the difference) poke its head out of the water and say hello. It didn't actually speak though. I'm just guessing that if it could speak human aka English, it would have said "Hello!" Since they live far from urban areas this one could have even said Good Day! , it definitely would not have said Whats up. Seals (except for Zoo seals) don't know slang terminology (although cool is old enough they might just know that one).
We also took a drive further North and took Tour one of Hearst Castle. It was very gaudy. Lots of stuff, and very colorful. It's got two amazing pools. I' would love to live there, although it would be lonely. and I think I' would be scared because it looks like that place you would see on one of those travel channel shows about ghosts.
In the hotel we saw the movie Thank You for Smoking, and let me tell you...it made me want to do Aaron Eckheart. i don't normally say that about actors. But let me tell you Aaron Eckheart is an exception. I don't even know why, he's not my usual type at all. I think I will need to search for a pentecostal Christian, Aaron Eckheart look alike who will be looking for a wife when I start looking for a husband, and settle for no less. Just watching him in movies, I start to drool a little bit. No joke.
Then we went to Santa Barbara and Santa Maria, where we attended a Pentecostal Church Revival. I thought some of the old white men there were congressmen, but then Scott just informed me that they were church elders or something like that. I spoke in tongues and received the infilling of the Holy Spirit. That was exciting and insane. I want to do it again next year. I also need to call Scott sometime and talk to him. Maybe next weekend.
23.7.07
The Underworld and Food Network Star
I'm watching a TV show about underground cities. Very interesting. I love the history channel. Did you know there are entire tunnel systems in Portland specifically built for the purposes of drugging and kidnapping men to sell them to ships where they would be used as labor for cargo ships?z
Amy the mommy won Next Food Network Star. I am now addicted to that TV show. Its the only show I can say I have actually sat and watched 5 hours straight of. I know that makes me sound l ike a couch potato, but its very rarely that I watch TV for so long. Usually I'm multitasking. And I was then too; I was making flashcards for SAT prep.
My summer is boring. Thats why I haven't written much of anything. I miss everyone. I made a bunch of promises to do lunch and hang out or whatever wiht people, but then I haven't followed through with calling those people and actually making plans. I feel awful for doing that, because its not like what I'm doing can't be moved so I can do other stuff. I'm very sorry that I haven't called you! <33
*yawn* I'm tired. Not much to write.
Amy the mommy won Next Food Network Star. I am now addicted to that TV show. Its the only show I can say I have actually sat and watched 5 hours straight of. I know that makes me sound l ike a couch potato, but its very rarely that I watch TV for so long. Usually I'm multitasking. And I was then too; I was making flashcards for SAT prep.
My summer is boring. Thats why I haven't written much of anything. I miss everyone. I made a bunch of promises to do lunch and hang out or whatever wiht people, but then I haven't followed through with calling those people and actually making plans. I feel awful for doing that, because its not like what I'm doing can't be moved so I can do other stuff. I'm very sorry that I haven't called you! <33
*yawn* I'm tired. Not much to write.
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